A question

Is everyone born equal?

On the Curse of Culture.

Good Morning, children!

Even as i type, the score ticks on and on. 213/3. 214/3. 215/3. Jayawardene inches (and i mean INCHES) closer and closer to his century.

This is gonna be awesome.

Anyway, totally unrelated, i've been looking for a place to stay in Johor, where i'm gonna start my clinical years next year. Quite troublesome, actually, with high prices and lousy rooms, but i'm getting there.

Anyway, over the last year or so i developed a little fantasy, with regards to living away from home again. I had hoped to move in it with my group of close friends, people i know i get along with well and can live with (various trips to all sorts of places pretty much proved this). This group happened to be a pleasant mixture of girls and guys, similar to my first group of housemates, which turned out quite fantastic, so i was actually a bit excited about it.

Silly, naive fool.

As the house hunting started, i made my proposal that was all live together to find it crushingly rejected. It wasnt their fault, but unfortunately the parents of the females involved had decided, in their infinite wisdom, not to let their little baby girls stay with big rude guys.

I was peeved.

I couldnt really understand the logic behind such a decision. They hadnt actually met me yet, so they really had no such reason to come to such an anti-male opinion. So i decided to approach this in my usual way; i interrogated the girls.

The first question, of course, was Why? Why wouldnt you be allowed to live with guys? Guys you KNOW? Probably your closest friends in the class? Guys you'll be seeing for atleast the next 3 years of your lives? Really, what do your parents think is gonna happen? As soon as you move in you quit med school and become a full time hooker, sexually satisfying your male housemates and whatever friends they bring home?

I wish.

We live in a modern world. Women are empowered, have rights, and make their own decisions. Moving in with a guy doesnt mean she'd have to fuck him! Privacy? You have your own bloody room, right? Security? Wouldnt living with a couple of guys make the place alot safer, than say a house full of innocent little girls? There's absolutely no reason why two adult friends of the opposite gender cannot live with each other. Please, if you have a reason, comment. Tell me. Because i certainly cant see one.

One of the anwers i got was: "Its not traditional. Gender segregation is our culture."

I was more peeved.

Culture and tradition. Pathetic.

Culture, the way i see it, is a collection of values and traditions they've been carrying out for as long as they can remember, for no particular reason. Unless tempered with a pinch of common sense, and some cynicism, it can cripple people, keep them from doing things and making decisions that would make life so much easier for them.

Think of some of your 'traditions'. How many arent fun? How many are pure stupidity? A vast majority of what people call 'culture' is made up of actions and beliefs silly, not only lacking in scientific foundations, but just going against plain old common sense. Who invented your culture? It would have been your society, potentially hundreds of years ago. What might have once been practical social ettiquete is now nothing but an archaic social burden, completely unsuitable for any modern population.

Look at how different we are from our parents; look at how society has changed in 20 years, let alone a hundred. The advent of lightspeed global communication, worldwide travel, and a surge of scientific and technological advances have rendered so many traditions obsolete, and created a new culture; what people call 'western culture' is probably the best equipped to handle this new world we have created for ourselves. Just log onto the internet, and there you'll see it; millions of people from a kaleidoscope of societies and backgrounds have gotten together, exchanged ideas and opinions, forming an amalgam society of open debate, acceptance, and free will. The future, hopefully.

And before you internet weary travellers protest, yes, i know. There are alot of noobs online. People do propagate hate and discrimination and narrow mindedness on the net, and it is just as potent, if not more, as it is in the real world. But from what i've seen, for every asshole there is, there are even more genuinely nice people, interested in making new friends and learning from them, people who accept things with an open mind, and actually consider all the possibilities before expressing a strong opinion.

Another friend told me about how she was born; her due date was what her grandfather saw as an 'unfavourable' date, and he made her mother, ripe and ready to deliver, wait at home an extra day instead of going to the hospital. Foolishness to the power infinity in my opinion, putting both the mother and child at risk. And why? Because he thought that being born on a certain day would've damned the child to an unlucky life.

Now i dont know the man, and as tempting as it is, i shant call him an idiot; for all i know, he might've been a brilliant person, with a charming personality and a fantastic face to boot; but his traditional beliefs, what he saw as his culture, clouded his judgement, prevented him from objectively weighing pros and cons and coming to a decision that would have been the safest for both my friend and my friend's mother. Anything that clouds your judgement like that, permanently, isnt something to be celebrated; rather it should be shunned and refused, all round.

Despite these, people persist. Outdated traditions do not die out. Why? Why must individuals cling onto these practices that serve no use? That it is culture is no longer a valid reason; culture must change to adapt to the world, and it will. Traditions must be questioned, examined thouroughly, and modified to suit modern living. New traditions can be made, traditions that we can use to plague our descendants for centuries to come, as our ancestors did us.

One reason some refuse to let go is because their culture is their identity, and their identity is everything to them. Everyone needs an identity; with out it, you dont know who you are. But culture makes lousy identity; do people really want to make themselves known for practicing bygone customs invented by people long dead? Modify your customs, make them trully your own, then you'll have a real identity, not the identity of the herd, but of who you really are.

So back to this housing problem. Culture isnt an excuse, i said indignantly. Question your culture! Question your parents! Demand a reason! The rationalisation behind it! We're young adults, not children anymore, and we're more than deserving of a logical explanation for any decisions our guardians might make. And then came the infamous catch-22: it's not in their culture to question.

My peeveyness exploded.

All this while, i've been talking about culture; under that umbrella i'm referring to not only practices, but attitudes propogated and encouraged by the society as a whole.

Case in point: i asked my friend, with utter frankness, whether she's ever been aroused sexually (the exact word i used was 'horny'). Being a good person, she did not deign to answer. So i asked her, "why wont you tell me?"

She said: "its private. Why should i tell you?"

I thought about it for a while; it was well within her rights to refuse to answer my question. So then i asked: "Whats your favourite colour?"

Sensing a trap, she asked me why.

"I just want to know. Would you tell me?"

She considered, then replied "Yes, i guess i would."

Ha. "Why would you answer that question, and not my sex question?"

Again, she thought about it (i like that about her). "Its not something we talk about normally, i wouldnt go around telling people about my sex habits".

"But," i countered, "I asked you. No one goes around saying they love green or anything, but when someone's asks their favourite colour, they answer. Why not with sex?"

"Because," she finished, "thats not the way we've been brought up."

Bingo.

Its not my friends' fault, of course. They're absolutely right. Sometimes you just can't fight your upbringing. I had the pleasure of growing up on the internet, a place where no one (atleast, mostly no one) cares about where you come from, what your background is, and you can freely express what ever opinion you have, no matter how wild it may be. That explains me. Alot of other people dont get that luxury, sadly... From young, they've been trained not to question, no to argue, to show eternal respect for their elders and their customs.

Respect must be earned, never taught.

But thats not how it is here. Here the old (read:senile) is sacred, and to question is sacrilege. And its hard, because even if you decide to break free of any customs you decide are impractical, you have to put up with the judgment that will be brought down on you by society. Labels and discrimination fly freely when people see their beloved traditions questioned and rebelled against. Marry out of our cast? Traitor! Watch porn? Pervert! Sleep with your boyfriend? Slut!

The obvious solution would be to stop caring what society thinks of you. There will always be open minded people, willing to accept you for what you believe. But we all know that its not that simple. Invariably someone who has the power to make your life miserable will stem from that society you shunned, and when that happens, you'll pay dearly for your opinions. Its easier for people distanced from their cultural families (like myself) to take this solution, but for people who have to face their would-be-persecutors on a day to day basis, expressing your own opinions sometimes just isnt worth the trouble.

The other option is slower, more long term, and perhaps unlikely to happen in my lifestyle: society has to change. Discrimination on the basis of superficial differences, violence because of differing beliefs, isolation and ridicule because of personal opinions plague our social system. The way i see it, these problems all arise from narrow mindness, and a reluctance to accept difference, and as a result of that, change. The way we can solve this is by being open minded, and this starts on a personal level; next time you argue with someone, think carefully about his side. Consider all sides of the equation, give everyone the benefit of the doubt, and never ever pass judgement on someone. And maybe, if everyone in the world reads my blog, our societies would change.

Not everything has to change, and not all at once, and I'm not calling for the abolishment of all cultures and traditions in the world. At one point, these customs and practices would have been useful, if not absolutely necessary. There will still be some that retain some vestige of usefulness, or perhaps even an element of fun. But the modernization of the world has meant many of these are no longer necessary. They have to be refined, modified and maybe even disregarded completely.

Culture can be a good thing, and it must be respected, right up to the point where it holds us back.

293/3. Its been a good day.

Depression.

First game of the season today. Finally. Seems like ages since i last watched football on the weekend! But its finally started again.

United won today too! Given, it was against a newly promoted team, but a win is a win! And i saw in them flashes of the old united, the pre-ronaldo united, the flash counter attacks, the perfect through balls, beautiful play down the flanks, all the stuff i love about them. And fittingly, Rooney, the man i think encapsulates all that is united, the fire, and raw talent, the effort, scored the winning goal.

And this just in, a breaking news story: To make the day even better, Liverpool have just gone a goal down to tottenham.

Crouch looks really happy. =D

I'm utterly depressed.

Seriously.

I'm about to do something really rare. Blog about something i FEEL. Usually i try to avoid that stuff, chronicaling what happens in my life isnt really the reason i blog, i'd much rather use it to preserve my ideas and thoughts, but sometimes it can be a useful outlet, when i'm up late feeling miserable, with no one to talk to.

This is one of those times!

Anyway, it all started with a dream. It was a really strange dream, felt really long, and was very bizzare. It started innocently enough, myself and a group of uni friends were going down to where the clinical school is, to look for a place to say. I remember, it was the usual dreamy abstract sort of landscape, i remember driving down a highway to this building that is essentially impossible to describe. Basically it was right next to the hospital, and in the dream consisted of a long open corridor in the front, with rooms like little villas ajoining it.

There were lots of cats at first, which i just remember. =D

Anyway, so we liked the place, and i think we moved in. Before that, there was this big problem with snakes, these funny red colour snakes were all over the place, making it impossible to get the hospital... I think i was freaking out in the dream, i cant quite remember.

Then the fun started. Somehow i was teleported into these villa things, which as i mentioned before, were all connect by that long corridor. It was night, i remember it being very dark, and there was a party going on, all sorts of random people from various places in my life. I was wearing an eye patch; maybe it was a fancy dress party or something.

Anyway, i get back to my room. And there she is. She's the girl i ran after during college, for like, a year, somewhat unsuccessfully. And she gives me this look, i've never got from her before. And we kiss.

Yadda yadda yadda, more dream more dream more dream, eventually i wake up, but with that bit just ringing in my mind. Complete clarity, i can remember every little detail, better yet, i can FEEL every little detail.

I woke up more shaken than i have been for a while.

Its so strange. I havent thought about this girl for so long! And i definitly dont have feelings for her still. Its definitly not that. But i'm still not over her! Its like there's unfinished business there.

Ok, first some background. This is the abridged story, from my point of view, ofcourse. I had an amazingly huge crush on her when i first met her, and so chased after her, sadly unsuccessfully. Now i dont think its the rejection that i'm unhappy about? She wasnt the first girl to turn me down, and i've definitly spent more time pursueing come others than her... It was more the manner of my dismissal.

Firstly, she never said flat out, 'boy, i dont like you, so leave me alone.' It was always things like studying, or family, or whatever. Secondly, i never really asked for alot. Never asked her to confess her love to me, or marry me. All i wanted was a date, some time with her alone.

I didnt get any of that, and its fine, really. Its well within her rights to refuse me. But i guess i expected more honesty from her... We were at one point really close, she knew alot about me, and i thought i knew alot about her, but i guess she always thought i was a bit of an immature person.

She's not the first person to think so, ofcourse. I even get a perverse sort of pleasure, cultivating that image among people i'm not so close to, the people i dont really care about. I'm sure the majority of the people you ask will say i'm crazy; have my priorities all wrong; have really unconventional ideas, bordering on the silly and far fetched. And thats perfectly fine, because thats exactly how i present myself at first glance.

But there are a few people that know me better than most. And while i cant say for sure what they actually think, i'm pretty confident they dont all share the general opinion of me. And herein lies the reason i was really disappointed, and a bit angry too. The way she treated me, all those years ago... She was nice and all, definitly, but i always got the feeling from her that she didnt think very highly of me. Infact quite the contrary, she seemed to almost dislike me. Things i heard her saying to other people, the way she spoke to me sometimes, it was almost condescending, and i hated it, most of all because i thought she knew me.

And i always felt comparisons. If you know me you'll know that i'm really quite confident, bordering on arrogant, but with her i always felt insufficient, like i was being contrasted with all the other guys around. In my defense, i was 15, and i knew it, so i never really felt insecure or anything (if anything, it just fed my ego =D ), but it wasnt a pleasant thought, creeping around at the back of my mind, that this person, my closest confidante at one point, thought me inadequate.

I think she has a boyfriend now, actually. I was so taken aback when she told me... So soon after all those excuses she gave me, family, studies, no time, whatever.... Plus I dont know anything about the fellow, when they got together, how they met, how long they've been together... So much for being close friends!

I guess that hurt. This all happened ages ago, more than a year has passed, but i dont think i ever fully got over it. Not her, mind you. I dont really know her anymore, and any romantic interest i had died with all this nonsense. But i felt betrayed, really, and while i never really got over it, i moved on, and pretty much forgot all about.

Until i had that stupid dream.

The reason, i think, it hit such a chord with me, that dream, was because of the way she looked at me in it. I know it was just a figment of my imagination, but there was none of disdain in her face, none of the patronizing i felt i got, nothing. It was like the girl in my dreams actually knew me.

It was nice. =D

Anyway, after this long rant, i should really point out that the majority of my relationship with this girl happened in my head, so the poor girl probably isnt really aware of anything of the rubbish i'm talking about. And she didnt really do anything wrong, per say, except not know me quite as well as i thought she did. Also i dont know for a fact that she actually thought so lowly of me, these are just the feelings i got/get from her when we spoke, so there is the possibility that i'm completely mistaken and she in fact was madly in love with me. =D

I should also mention that, i'm actually quite happy right now. I'm in probably the most satisfying relationship i've ever been in, with someone who actually understands me, and someone i trust with practically everything. In fact i have to tell her about this tomorrow, when i see her. =D I just never really went over all these little little feelings, the 'baggage', if you will, from my previous experience, properly, which is probably why it randomly decided to surface now.

Oh well!

So thats why i am depressed. Or was depressed, rather. At the beginning of the post i was really quite angry, at all these percieved wrongs, but now i'm just a bit worn out. It was such a long time ago, too... I dont know the woman anymore, we've probably both changed so much we're practically strangers. I guess this post is about 2 years over due, brought up again by a random dream.

People are so different too... I was going through a colleagues blog, he's a bit like me, in posting habits, he doesnt post that much, but its all about his opinions and what not... And actually, posting styles is where the simillarities end. We couldnt be anymore different. I'm a completely liberal person, he's very conservative; we have completely different priorities, methods of studying, opinions, judgements... Its interesting, even though i disagree with him on practically everything, he's not a stupid person; i think he's a genuinely thinking person, which is what really matters, whatever the conclusions are.

Yes, that was completely un related to to my depression, so sue me.

Anyway, i kinda hope that girl doesnt read this blog, she'll probably be incredibly offended by what i've said, and in truth, she is a nice girl. Quite pretty too. =D

But i guess i'm not too depressed anymore!

Liverpool lost. =D

On Gender and Genitalia

This week has been a busy one. My aunt came over to stay for a few days, all the way from good ol' Sri Lanka (who, i must gleefully add, are destroying pakistan at everyone's favourite sport, cricket!) and to mark the event, we decided to have a full fledged reunion, with myself and all the various doctor/sisters coming home for the weekend.

Trust me, this doesnt happen too often, and might become even rarer, so is definitly noteworthy. So with the reunion came the usual family activities: unending noise, meals with more shouting than eating, the occasional glass of Southern Comfort, competition for the internet (which is why, my dearest MSN friends, i havent been coming online nearly as much as i'd love to), and tv, and just generally glorious chaotic fun.

Ironic, and anti-ISA rioters missed the real riot, its been going on in my place for the past few days.

Losers

Ah, there's nothing like family!

So that was basically the reason all university work over the weekened was relegated to the back of my mind, then re-relegated even further out. There was the usual, ever present I-must-revise-cause-everyone-else-is-and-i'll-fail-if-i-dont feeling, but i'd been ignoring that one for pretty much everyday of my life, so it wasnt a bother.

More interesting is my PCL research topic, which now that monday has dawned, has re-emerged from where ever it is thats further away than the back of my mind. Our case this week was a little baby (Kamal or something), with Congenital Adrenal Hyperplasia. My topic particularly dealt with one single potential outcome of this disorder: Ambiguous Genitalia

Yeap, you read right. Ambiguous Genitalia. And i'm tlaking serious stuff. Real Clitoral enlargement (so much so that it's bigger than some unfortunate man's penis), labial FUSION, thats right, coming together and CLOSING. Its no joke, really, while maybe not the most life-threatening condition in the book, its probably a condition, the suferers of which would probably actually open the book, looking for ways to catch some of the life threatening conditions.

Because whats being called into doubt here? Lets look at this from a non-scientific point of view. (You see, its monday morning, and i start my research on thursday. Yes, the submission deadline is wednesday.) Whats at stake here? You're GENDER!

And as i thought about it, i realised, your gender DEFINES you. No ifs, buts or maybes about it, who you are, your identity, every single bloody aspect of your life is defined, first and foremost, by whether your pair is above your waist, or below it.

Nothing else, not race, not nationality, not skin colour, not socio-economic group, nothing is as damning to your life as gender. Even age doesnt matter nearly as much; it doesnt matter exactly how old you are, as long as you can club, drink and drive (though preferrably not at the same time).

Gender determines who your friends are, what your hobbies are, whether your dreams are wet or dry, who you flirt with, who looks at you, who doesnt look at you, everything! Get out of bed, and put on some clothes. Think you chose your clothes? No, no, your gender chooses your clothes.

Try this exercise. Imagine you were in fact a member of the opposite gender. If you're like me, there will be countless numbers of things which you wouldn't have done in your life, that you would have done which you previously did not, etc, etc, etc. Gender is damning, thats the word for it. Look at all the problems homosexuals and transsexuals face; they try to go against what society deems their gender, and look at whats been happening to those poor souls. You can't escape your gonads, and the expectations of you because of them will be with you your entire life.

Damning.

Following along that vein, you realise how different men and women are. Of all the partitions the human race has invented over the course of the millenia, this is the most complete. The most final. No other different has been so permanent, so focused on, so glaringly obvious. Plus the gender conflict has been around, not just since the dawn of intelligent thought, but since some little organism somewhere decided it would be more fun to reproduce with a friend than by its lonesome self.

The other large scale conflict i could think of doesnt even come close to the size or the ferocity in which the gender conflict has been fought over the years. I'm talking about the Crusades, people. Sure, alot of people died, but it never got to the point where Muslims said the Christians are from another planet. Women have been saying that about men for ages now.

Yeap, we're different. Very very very very different. I hate women, personally. They're whiny and emotional and get worked up over the smallest thing (their nails and what not) and they're really spoilt (we all know what happens when a women doesnt get exactly what she wants). The term 'bitchy' was invented with women in mind, remember?

They're also completely in control of the WORLD. We've all played chess, sure, the game revolves around the king, but which piece is most often used to take the poor fellow down? Thats right, the queen.

Its because we love women too. Its quite odd, actually, a genuine love-hate relationship. Cant live with them, but definitly can't live without them too. And i'm sure women feel the exact same way about men! Somewhere out there is a girl blogger, as articulate and good looking as I, going on about how men are un-emotional and detached and have terrible priorities and cant pee straight and bla bla bla. If you're reading this, send me an email.

=D

So looking at all the couples around me, i cant help but be amazed. If men and women can put aside their differences (their very very different differences) and actually live together for their entire lives, its really quite fantastic. Whats with all the hype about inter-faith dialouges and 1Malaysia and all that stuff, when the greatest conflict in the history of mankind is being overcome every single day in all our lives? Think about (most of our) parents, and the girlfriends and the boyfriends (oh, there are plenty of those), and how they somehow manage to put aside their innate sexual differences, and learn to not just get along but actually love each other. If you think about it, they've been doing this amazing thing forever. After this, anything trully is possible.

That reminds me, its someone's birthday today. I think i'll go give her a kiss.

Its certainly been a while. I havent blogged for a long while. Almost ten months, by my reckoning.

Quite a while. In that time, i finished my first year in medical school, turned eighteen (yey!), got five different sorts of perfume as gifts (i think people are trying to send me a message), helped organize an amazing conference, and found my first girlfriend.

Yes, its been quite a ten months.

I'm kidding about the girlfriend. I'm still hopelessly single.

Anyway, here i am, four thirty in the morning, not even remotely sleepy. My biological clock has been completely up-ended, i havent slept earlier than five in weeks. Havent woken up in time for lunch in weeks either.

I have an actual reason to be up this time though. Just in case you're a completely illiterate barbarian, the greatest football team on earth is still in the running to win an unprecedented five trophies in one season (i know its not gonna happen, but you wouldnt keep a kid from his dreams, would ya?), and one of the many benefits of this is that they're playing maybe twice as many matches as a normal premier league club would. Which is great for me, i love watching them play. And in my excitement, i though their game against Fulham (if they win, they go five points ahead in the league!) was tonight.

Turns out its tomorrow night.

Oh well.

So i figured, since i've got nothing to do, there's nothing to watch on tv, and i've got maybe another hour or so before my dad wakes up and kicks my arse, i might as well attempt to revitalise this absolutely dead blog.

And what better way to revive a blog than to explain the reason it died in the first place!

Blogs die all the time. People get bored, run out of things to write, find new blogs, die, or get lives all the time.
Why'd my blog die?
A mixture of all these reasons, to a certain extent. Laziness, of course, played a part. I got busy, studying real hard for med school. Oh, maybe thats not really one of the reasons, but it sounded cool. A bit of writers block, perhaps, something i'm actually experiencing this very moment.

But the real reason i stopped was a bit more complex. I forgot why i started a blog in the first place.

I realised no one was reading (well, almost no one). No one really cared about what i thought. In the big scheme of things, nothing i wrote here ever really mattered. Insecurity mingled with cynism, resulting in me wondering, if this isnt really gonna affect anyone, why write anything at all?

It was all rather depressing. People like feeling important and in control, like they matter and they have power. I'm no different. Realising that i wasnt important, had no control, didnt matter and definitly had no power really sucked.

So i fell into that hole, and this dear blog payed the price. It was like growing up, you start out with such enthusiasm, so many great ideas and plans and dreams and hopes, and then slowly, as the years wear on, your spark dies out, and you slowly lose your drive. I had so many great ideas, so many things to write about, so many opinions, but all of them ended with that dark little voice saying 'No one cares about you. Forget it. Dont waste your time.'

A few days ago, something happened that evoked those feelings of cynism and pessimism. I was basically shot down. It made me feel small and worthless, insufficient, and again, i felt like curling up in my hole and never coming out. Becoming a social hermit, keeping my thoughts to myself, giving and getting nothing from anyone. Why contribute what you have, when what you have is worthless, and will be rejected anyway?

Then it hit me. Why not?

So what if no one cares. So what if you dont matter. So what if you cant change the world? It shouldnt stop you from doing what you want. If you feel like giving your opinion, give it. Regain some of that enthusiasm we all started out with, and keep going. Keep volunteering, putting yourself out there, take a risk, and get shot down, and then get back up!

Every blog i post, i'm putting myself out there, a target to rejection and ridicule. And its frightening. These writings arent just some words tossed together loosely. As cheesy as it sounds, these blogs are intimate expressions of my deepest being. I think any other writer would be able to identify with it, what you write means something to you, if no one else.

And of course, in danger of sounding sad and pathetic, i'll admit it'd still sting if no one cares about what i write here. Things i wouldnt normally talk about come out here, glimspes of what i hope for and want and think, and i'd like to think that somewhere out there, some one read something i posted, and was affected some how.

But even if no one cared, and no one read this, it wouldnt really matter that much. Because i realised something, while i read the posts i made last year, and the year before that. I dont just write so that other people will read and maybe learn, but i also write for myself. When i write i take a snapshot of my mind, at that very moment in time, and its nice to look back a year or two, to see how far i've come, how much has changed, and how much hasnt.

Anyway, this is in no way a promise for posts in the future. I might fall into my funk again, and only come out of it in thirty years, after the internet has been rendered obsolete by a uni-net that connects us all directly through our minds! Or i might post something new tomorrow. It doesnt really matter.

What matters is that, in a sense, i've realised, i write for myself, and no one else.

Feels good.