The Screw Files

Some poetry

2011-01-07T13:49:00.000-08:00

Good grief, it's 6 in the morning here. And thats the late 6, not the early 6. I need to be up early tomorrow too, for something i really shouldnt oversleep and miss!

But anyway, for some reason, this had to come out. I finished reading Sandman (and what a magnificent, sad ending it had. Read Sandman.), and lay down on my mattress early, then spent another hour or so tossing and turning.

This is because, for some reason, poems floated around in my head. I dabbled in the art a long time back, with mixed results, and hadnt thought about it since. But i really couldnt sleep.

So i got up, switched on the laptop, and started writing. The words just flowed. I know what its like to try and force words through writers block (it sucks incredibly), and this was the exact opposite of it. It was like the lines had no patience to be written.

Its not particularly good poetry, but i love the feeling you get when words just flow from your mind onto the paper (or screen, rather). It is, ofcourse, a lovey dovey poem, but what to do, i honestly had no say in the subject or the words. They all just came. And here it is.

Surprisingly relevant too, i must say.

"The Evening Stroll"

I went a stroll one pleasant dusky day,

My mind weighed down, troubled, in dismay.

For I had a problem, a tough little pearl,

And there were no answers to this certain girl.

So I said to the Sun, overseeing my path,

“Do I love her?”

He said: “Is she your light, does she warm your soul,

Would losing her be a fate unbearably crool?”

“Yes, yes, yes”, I returned, to the Sun in the sky

“Yet is that really love?”

There was no reply.

So I turned to the Moon, Sun’s sister in the heavens;

“Do I love her?”

She said: “Does she fill your nights with a soft glow,

And make you feel you’re in a dream and more?”

“Indeed she does”, sister Moon heard my cry

“Yet is that really love?”

There was no reply.

Next I met a fine strong Tree, tall and green and old.

“Do I love her?”

He said: “Is she your shade when the world is too hot,

Your place of refuge, full of green and gold a lot?”

“That she is”, and I told the Tree why.

“Yet is that really love?”

There was no reply.

Then I came across a Rock, rugged eroded and dull.

“Do I love her?”

There was silence and will be till the end.

For rocks don’t talk, my silly little friend.

Then I met a bright blue Bird, fluttering merrily around.

“Do I love her?”

He said: “Does she make you break into song,

Fly free and high all day long?”

“Perceptive you are,” I watched the Bird fly

“Yet is that really love?”

There was no reply.

Finally down came the Rain, torrential and fierce.

“Do I love her?”

She said: “Does she wash clean your heart and remove all strife,

Renewing and restoring all in your life?”

“Everyday!” I shouted, as I tried to keep dry

“Yet is that really love?”

But again, there was no reply.

Finally I was home, and in the Mirror where I’d been,

I saw a face none the wiser for all he had seen.

“Do I love her?” I asked, for the seventh time dead

I got a shrug; “You heard what they all said!”

“Yes, I did, But is it really love? I’ll never know, however hard I try.

Silence. “But does it matter?” finally came the last reply.

Have i blogged about this before?

2011-01-06T11:53:00.000-08:00

Yes, i'm not dead. And neither is this blog!

Anywho i'm up here at no less than four in the morning, just coming off a long conversation on msn with this girl, that left me, frankly, quite a bit perturbed.

It was basically about moral standards, pertaining particularly to indecent clothing and that sort (something i actually cant recall if i've already covered in a previous post), and while i expected her to agree with me(cause she flirts with me, see!), i got quite the surprise when she told me how she felt.

Not that i dont respect other people's opinions. I respect LOGICAL opinions, opinions that can be argued for, and have been well though out. I cant abide opinions that arise from upbringing and culture (now that i've definitely blogged about), because if it's not well thought out, its moronic.

Anyway being too sleepy to actually type out my opinions this time, i'll just copy and paste my conversation with her.

You might notice i get a bit anal and whiny during the course of this conversation, especially towards the end, but thats just because i have very strong opinions on this matter. She seems a bit disinterested in my ranting, and who can blame her, it is rather late for this sort. But anyway i hope i made some sort of impact.

"Druid says:

haha definitly is

how short are the shortest shorts you have

out of curiousity

RandomChick says:

Haha.. Not very.. Mom doesnt like us wearing short shorts

Druid says:

haha why?

i'm doing a survey

so far

not including you

the answers have been very short

RandomChick says:

Haha.. Not very decent

Druid says:

haha what

the questions?

or the girls?

RandomChick says:

Lol, short shorts

Druid says:

haha i know

thats why i like em

but whats the definition of decent?

this is my serious conversation tone

RandomChick says:

Lol, erm, not decent's when ur showing more skin than u should?

Druid says:

and who says how much skin you should show?

RandomChick says:

But then again, i tease a lot n talk bout stuff i shouldn't, n thats not very decent either.. So yea..

Druid says:

haha

no wait

answer the question

RandomChick says:

The skin?

Druid says:

yeah

RandomChick says:

Erm, i guess, its just not decent when ur pulling the wrong sort of attention to yourself

Druid says:

now

the wrong sort of attention, you say?

who's fault is the wrong sort of attention?

who is the person giving the attention?

RandomChick says:

The one attracting attention is at fault

Druid says:

why?

thats like saying

if you're robbed

you're at fault for having stuff.

what kind of society blames the victim?

you can say tempting someone is bad

but what is having a nice car?

tempting someone to take it from you

but who gets thrown in jail

certainly not the tempter

RandomChick says:

Ur at fault if u flash ur stuff..

Druid says:

flash your stuff?

so you cant drive your car around?

problem is you - we actually- have been taught otherwise

and no one ever thinks to ask, why is attention bad?

if the girl wants it and the guy's willing to give it

whats so bad about it?

we're prisoners of our upbringing

RandomChick says:

Haha.. Slow down.. But yea, i agree, when sth gets stolen, the thief shouldn't be the only one caught

Druid says:

wait wait

you're saying that if something gets stolen

the person from whom its stolen from is equally to blame?

RandomChick says:

Only if they've been showing off, cos ppl always want what others hv.. So u cant blame them solely

Druid says:

haha so

your saying

hypothetically

since you've been playing around with me

if i were to force myself on you

you'd be at fault too?

RandomChick says:

Yes, definately

Druid says:

woa

no way

its well within your right to show off

because there's no rule against showing off

its not a crime

it doesnt hurt anyone

it makes you feel good

wow

we like, totally disagree on this

RandomChick says:

Haha, yea well, thats ur opinion.. Me, i think its equally my fault if sth happens.. So no.. No flashing, no showing off

Druid says:

so you'll be in the persecuting girls who do flash

in the group

i mean

so what would you say showing off is?

RandomChick says:

Haha.. Only if they behave like they've done nothing wrong when sth does happen

Druid says:

but they havent done anything wrong

RandomChick says:

Lol, how do i put it

Druid says:

dunno

cause the fact you'll eventually admit is that blatant double standards are practised

when sexuality is concerned, atleast

like for example

showing off your legs

too much?

RandomChick says:

Haha, see, when u show off say ur body, it means u want attention.. N u will get it, but not necessarily from the person u want.. So when u do get that attention from the wrong person, n u behave like u've been sexually violated, den really, its u who's at fault..

Druid says:

but why would you drive your nice car around?

naturally its all for attention

who doesnt crave attention?

people should have the right to look for attention they want without fear getting something they dont want

RandomChick says:

Yea it is for attention, but keep it moderate is all i'm saying

Druid says:

why?

who defines moderate?

thats what i'm saying

the people defining it do their defining on abstract, completely arbitrary grounds, and then think themselves justified in applying these limits to other people

its like applying shariah law to a non muslim

who would agree to that?

of course to the muslim its perfectly reasonable

so like to you, moderate, which you have been brought up in, is perfectly reasonable

but to a non muslim its completely ridiculous

i.e. to anyone not raised in the same situation as you

i'm too serious for you, arent i?

RandomChick says:

Moderate so that ur not evoking jealousy or heavy duty lust or anything

Druid says:

aha

there in lies the problem

you drive your posh car into my house and i wouldnt care for it

but you can simply tell another person about it, and they'd try to jack it off you

same with sexuality

you can walk naked in front of me

and i'd be very happy

but i wouldnt try to touch you

but you could be in a buurka and get raped

so its impossible to set a standard that doesnt evoke jealousy or lust

its impossible and unreasonable

you see

i get what you're saying

you're saying that if a person is flaunting their body

RandomChick says:

Hahah.. Very diff upbringing, u n i..

Druid says:

they're more culpable for a crime that happens

true?

more culpable than say, someone fully covered that gets raped

true?

RandomChick says:

Yep

Druid says:

so lets take an example

A = practically naked babe

B assaults said babe

C = buurka clad babe

D assualts C

so A is at fault herselft

because she tempted B

true

while as C is faultless

cause she didnt tempt anyone

and D was just an asshole

true?

RandomChick says:

Kinda, unless, buurka's sexy where he n she comes from

Druid says:

haha

no where considers a buurka sexy

no where

but lets say its not considered sexy

soo in this scenario

we blame D most of all

A and B equally

and C none at all

right?

RandomChick says:

Yes

Druid says:

right

now to point out the awesome flaw

what if

D assaulted A

who's at fault?

we know, as creators of this scenario, D is a jackass whole hump anything

true?

RandomChick says:

Still both

Druid says:

but why A?

cause now we know that A's apparel had nothing to do with it?

RandomChick says:

She's naked! Duh she's at fault too

Druid says:

but we've already decided that this fellow would've assualted buurka lady

so regardless of what she was wearing

we know he would've hurt her

so she cant be at fault

cause whatever she was wearing he would've done it

RandomChick says:

Fine, if he's a jerk, he's a jerk, nothing much i can say

Druid says:

so its not her fault right?

cause he's a jerk

RandomChick says:

Lol, yes

Druid says:

aha!

so in real life

when things are not so clear

how do you decide who's to blame?

or rather

whats to blame

is it the woman and the temptation?

(needless to point out, every criminal would claim that was the cause)

or the fellow who commited to crime

the urge to commit crime?

RandomChick says:

Lol, in real life, not everyone's a jerk.. They usually need a lil, motivation? Lol

Druid says:

cant generalise like that, can you?

cause if that were true

no one in a buurka would get raped

agreed?

RandomChick says:

Then D was a mental patient, and all 3 isn't at fault

Druid says:

nope

nonsense

you cant honestly say that every rape victim is at fault

thats like

wrong

cause people get raped even when they're decently dressed

agreed?

RandomChick says:

Haha.. I gotta go to sleep.. We'll cont this tmr.. Gotta go out tmr.. If u can come, we could cont there? Haha

Druid says:

no no no

we'll never continue this then

come on, this is really important to me

incredibly important

i need an answer

RandomChick says:

Haha.. Fine, fine, u win.. We define our own levels, wtv they are.. Depends on the person

Druid says:

dont concede without meaning it

i dont want to hear i win

i want you to change

i want you to not think lowly of people who dress indecently

by YOUR standards

RandomChick says:

To what?

Druid says:

because you need to know that your standards may seem reasonable to you

but they're really not

they're just arbitrary, something you grew up with

and something you shouldnt be imposing on anyone else

cause one day when you grow up

you might find yourself in a position of power

then becuase you dont realise that standards are different

RandomChick says:

Lol! Ok fine

Druid says:

and because you dont see anything wrong in imposing your own standards on someone else

that someone else will suffer

which is frankly unforgivable

so there's no need to say i win, because i dont really care about winning

RandomChick says:

Ok ok

Druid says:

you get what i'm saying?

haha you dont see this side of me very much, do you?

RandomChick says:

Lol, i do.. Its just, i've adjusted to this way of thinking for so long, i found the need to defend it

Druid says:

dont dont dont

you might not think much of your opinions

but they matter

RandomChick says:

But haha, its a good side of u

Druid says:

you see, you talk to your friends

and every single one of them thats close minded

feels reassured if you agree with them

and its like a web

RandomChick says:

Yep

Druid says:

and you shouldnt underestimate that web

and in the end people suffer

i hope you're not agreeing wiht me for the sake of going to sleep

i'd really hate that

RandomChick says:

Lol, ok.. We'll cont this tmr! I needs sleep

Druid says:

and i hope the next time you and your friends see a girl in really tight clothes walking around

and someone in the group whispers, bitch

you'll say something

ok ok go sleep

but think about it "

And end!

Wasnt that long! But i really meant every word.

World cup, again.

2010-06-27T12:33:00.000-07:00

I thought i was overreacting.

Germany did score 4 goals, after all. They're a good side. But they had an extra player on the pitch. One with a whistle, and the inability to see.

Now i'm watching Argentina play Mexico. I like argentina, really i do. Every world cup, after England go out, i switch over to argentina. But this time i'm cheering for mexico.

Why?

Because argentina are playin with an extra man too.

Maybe these linesman arent sure what OFFSIDE means. Its ok, alot of people dont know.

I can see the headlines now.

"Germany and Argentina go through to the quarter finals; two goals from referee sends England and Mexico packing!"

We should just ask FIFA to stop the competition now; just randomly pick a referee, blindfold him and ask him to pick a country out of a hat. It'd be fairer than the current fiasco.

World Cup

2010-06-27T07:43:00.000-07:00

I wasnt really gonna do this. I thought it was just me, feelings of resentment left over from what was a bad english season of refereeing. But no. Its official. This world cup has been the worst one in my memory.

Granted, i've only watched practically every match in only two other world cups (thats 2002 and 2006), and there have been a few good games of football thus far (especially from the US, i thought, its so sad they lost last night to ghana). But what has really screwed this up is the referees.

Do they all have mental disabilities? Or some sort of physiological blindness? I really cant remember moaning how poor the referee was after EVERY SINGLE GAME like now. But i wasnt even gonna mention it in my blog. I was gonna give them the benefit of the doubt. I thought, boy, you're just overreacting, they're not that bad.

Breaking news: They suck balls.

I just watched an awesome goal from frankie disallowed, because the the linesman got distracted by that bright flag he was holding and forgot to WATCH THE FUCKING GAME. The ball was atleast two feet over the line. Really.

Can these people be fired? Sued? This is no joke, this is the THE biggest competition of THE biggest sport in - wait for it - the whole fucking world. And the people in charge are just idiots. If you've been watching the games, you know. The referees seem to have forgotten how to do their jobs.

I'll be joined by a lot of people in my disappointment if England lose this game because of this. I love the sport so much, but things like this make you want to tear your hair out in despair. And its not an isolated incident, almost every game has had an incident. This case isnt even arguable. The English football team has been robbed a goal. A perfectly valid, frankly quite awesome goal. They might as well have started the game 1 - 0 to Germany.

Fifa needs to fire these people.

I hope rooney can score a hattrick and save the linesman by making his momentary blindness negligible. Cause alot of people dont like him at the moment.

Life Lessons

2010-04-22T05:32:00.000-07:00

Hi all.

Yes, its me again. I'm still here.

Its been an interesting few months. We've seen the start of my clinical school, i've started living alone again (albeit still with a family of sorts, yes, with all the usual family stuff) and United had looked like losing the premier league, then looked like winning, then looked like losing again, and most recently even God himself probably doesnt know who's gonna win it this time.

Anyway, this post isnt about whats happening at the moment. Its more to christen a new segment in my somewhat inactive blogging life. I shall term this segment, yes, you guessed it, Life Lessons! As i look past towards my 19th birthday, and reach forward to embrace my twentieth year, i come to the realization that i'm not as young as i once was, all those many years ago. Quarter of my probable life has slipped away, without me really accomplishing anything (yeah, remember that list i posted a while back? Nothing.) Plus once you hit 20, its all downhill from there.

So being the optimist i am (yes, i saw the last paragraph too), i decided that these past 19 years havent all been wasted, just mostly. I've still learnt stuff from them, and will indeed continue to. So i thought, i've got a blog sitting there unused, why not use it. So here i shall proceed to record various lessons i've learnt throughout my life (thats where the name life lessons came from, see?), so that hopefully when i reach 80 i can look back here and do some quick revision before i shuffle off this mortal coil.

And without further adue, here's Life Lesson Number 1!

*Cue applause*

Life Lesson 1.

Lesson: Never give up a chance to go out and do something, just because you're lazy or feel like staying at home. Always go.

Explanation: Have you ever had an invitation to go out for dinner with some friends, but just as you get back from work/uni/college/work/my house, you feel too tired to go? Just a hint of sloth? You'd rather just sit on the couch and watch a bit of the idiot box, then retire to bed early?

If not, please teach me, oh great master.

If so, stifle the urge! Forget about the state of your tired body and dying mind, and go out with your friends! For dinner, for a movie, to church, whatever!

This is why: Lets take two scenarios - One, you go out. Would you ever wonder, 'hmm... I wonder what would've happened if i had stayed in and watched tv instead?' Hopefully not. Scenario two, you do give into your languid urges, and stay at home. You catch a bit of Die Hard they're showing on tv, then go off to bed. Now wouldnt you wonder, 'i wonder what the others are doing now? What would i be doing now if i had gone out?'

You'll almost never look back and wonder what would have happened if you had just stayed at home. On the other hand, who knows what experiences you miss out on, everytime you politely decline at invitation to go somewhere else.

I think i learnt this when i was a kid, when my mum used to try and get me to go to church or catechism. I used to refuse and throw tantrums till the poor woman either beat me with a stick, or went to church and prayed that a stick would fall on my head. But somehow or another, whenever i 'won' and managed to stay back and play my computer games, i'd always wonder how church was, and who had come, and whether anything interesting had happened. I always had this sensation of missing a huge opportunity, and knowing that i'd never get it back.

Obviously, this didnt happen when i went to church.

And even more obviously, nothing interesting ever really happened in church.

The point is, things MIGHT have happened. If i had stayed at home, i'd never have known. I went and found out.

Again, this is not exactly a 100% rule. I'm sure there will be times when i go out, and then wish whole heartedly i had just stayed at home and minded my own business. But thats probably the rare exception, and to this day i can say i havent regretted stirring from my lair and venturing out.

So anyway, thats my first life lesson. Barring a piano falling on me tomorrow, there will probably be more to come.

Screw out.

On being back home - mostly.

2010-01-06T07:38:00.000-08:00

Hail.

Its been a while! Happy new year, and merry christmas. I'd say i've been too busy to post, what with all my conferencing and travelling here and there, but thats not really true, its pure laziness thats prevented it. But for the novelty of this post i decided to get out my writing hat again, and let everyone know whats happening in my life.

The holidays certainly went by very quickly. Had the HIV inter-varsity summit, which was loads of fun organising, i didnt sleep for the three days of the conference (kicking ass at left4dead 2, fantastic game that, go try it), followed by a trip to the UAE. That was an educational week, you can read all you want about a place, but the only way to really know it is to actually get up and head out there. Lots of things happened, hopefully i'll cover that in another post, but the bottom line was: I saw a camel.

Yes, a camel. Not a silly zoo camel. A wild camel. Walking on the side of the road. By itself. Kinda like how malaysians see a dog on the road? I saw a camel.

What a trip that was.

I got back on the 27th, after spending christmas in the place wiht the whole family (its literally been almost ten years since the whole family went on a trip together), and on the 29th, for the first time in over six whole years, i flew off again, this time back 'home'.

So, people, this is my first post, and hopefully not the last, from my ACTUALLY home country of Sri Lanka.

And i tell you guys, i love it here. This is the greatest place in the world.

People ask me, 'Isuru, what type of girls do you like?' Well, actually no one really asks me that, but if they did, i'd usually answer that i like ALL types. Which is entirely true, i like womankind in general (i'm very forward thinking. Let women vote!). But there are certain ladies that catch my eye, though i've never really able to pinpoint what it was about them exactly i liked.

Well, now i know. I like sri lankan girls. I went to church on new years eve, and boy, my head went spinning. Girls everywhere! My kind! Out on the streets! My kind! In the shops! My kind! It was actually quite ridiculous.

I went visiting, too, went to various villages to meet relatives and what not, it was all tonnes of fun. It exposed my painful language problem ( I really cant speak sinhala), but all the relatives took it in their stride, and i had my little cousin to translate most of it for me. I went and saw where my dad lived when he was young (my grandmother still lives there), and fell in love with the place all over again. I'd stayed there for a few weeks at a time previously, but had completely forgotten how incredible the place was. Simple single story house, nothing fancy, with a huge garden (rural, you see, so its not even really a garden, its more like the house is in the middle of the forest). Exactly the sort of backyard you could go exploring, and come back with bites from five different species of snake, 23 different insect bites, and a headache from eating a wild poisonous berry.

I intend to live there one day. Maybe modern it up a bit, airconditioning, water heaters, internet... But i'm definitely moving back there one day. After i learn the language, hopefully.

Cousins are awesome too. Uncles and aunts are just as awesome. I've got tonnes of relatives here (believe me, i was carrying presents for them, they weighed more than all my clothes. I even had to pay airasia an extra 20 ringgit for the excess weight!) and they've all got so many stories to tell! These are people i havent spoken to in years, and i really wish i was here longer than my two weeks, because i would dearly love to sit down with each of them and just listen to how they've been, where they've been, how they grew up, what they're doing now, everything.

Plus i'd love to meet my 16 year old cousin sister's friends. =D

So yeah, this place is great. The people on the street are super friendly, from what i've seen. This is the sort of place where you can get stopped on the road for a police check (remember, they've just finished a real war here, and elections are coming up soon too), show your ID to the dude, and then chat with him about his duties, who he thinks is going to win, how his shift has been. I did none of the talking, of course, i was too busy furiously nudging the little boy next to me so he'd hurry up and translate, but really, the way the conversation flowed between people, it was so natural and easy.

And a place where you can stop a random person on the road and strike up a conversation is really definitely my kind of place.

Of course, there are tonnes of problems here too. Politicians are corrupt, price of living is high, and people drive like real maniacs (its crazy. Beyond crazy). But thats the way it is everywhere, isnt it?

I'd love to call this place home one day, and maybe one day i'll be able to. But still, for now, i'm stuck in my little limbo. I'm a monster hybrid, sri lankan by birth, malaysian by upbringing, neither in real life. Throw in my stint on the internet, and the whole church thing, i'm pretty much homeless. I cant remember if i've posted about this already, but i'm someone who has no real hometown; i dont go 'back' anywhere for holidays, cause i've no where to go back to; pretty much the modern nomad.

Its fine really, but i've wondered if i'm missing out on something. People who know where they're from, and where they can go back to, probably have a certain sense of belonging, one i can't claim to ever experiencing.
Where are you from? Sri lanka, but i grew up in Malaysia, so i'm not really Sri Lankan. But in malaysia i was in an international school in the most isolated god forsaken state in the country (you know where you are!), so i'm not really quite malaysian either. There's always a but.

Where do you go home then, Isuru? I really dont know. Cheras? Kelantan? Colombo? Sunway? Daraluwa? Old Trafford? I really dont know. I'm not really from any of those places. More like a mixture of them all.

Its a terrible disadvantage in a way. I cant imagine how screwed up my children are going to be. Being in the australian university and all, i of course intend to go and work there, for a while atleast. Do i settle there? Raise the kids there? I'd love to travel, go to the UK, to the Americas, Europe, all over. Maybe i should stay in one of those places. Or should i move back to Malaysia after all the travelling? Move back to sri lanka, where all the relatives are? What about the wife? What language would the kids speak at home? English? Malay? Sinhala? Where would their homes be? Heck, what nationality would they be?

Ah, my poor, poor children.

Ofcourse being from all these places is an advantage too. I'm comfortable (mostlY) everywhere. I'm used to everywhere, thats a better way to put it. All i need to do really is master both languages properly, Malay and Sinhala, then waaaala! I'm really from both places. And with my internet heritage, and the international schooling, i'd be a real amalgam of everything. its something i can be proud of one day.

If i survive the identity crises that'll probably come along.

Those poor, poor kids.

A question

2009-11-09T04:58:00.001-08:00

Is everyone born equal?

On the Curse of Culture.

2009-08-18T03:37:00.000-07:00

Good Morning, children!

Even as i type, the score ticks on and on. 213/3. 214/3. 215/3. Jayawardene inches (and i mean INCHES) closer and closer to his century.

This is gonna be awesome.

Anyway, totally unrelated, i've been looking for a place to stay in Johor, where i'm gonna start my clinical years next year. Quite troublesome, actually, with high prices and lousy rooms, but i'm getting there.

Anyway, over the last year or so i developed a little fantasy, with regards to living away from home again. I had hoped to move in it with my group of close friends, people i know i get along with well and can live with (various trips to all sorts of places pretty much proved this). This group happened to be a pleasant mixture of girls and guys, similar to my first group of housemates, which turned out quite fantastic, so i was actually a bit excited about it.

Silly, naive fool.

As the house hunting started, i made my proposal that was all live together to find it crushingly rejected. It wasnt their fault, but unfortunately the parents of the females involved had decided, in their infinite wisdom, not to let their little baby girls stay with big rude guys.

I was peeved.

I couldnt really understand the logic behind such a decision. They hadnt actually met me yet, so they really had no such reason to come to such an anti-male opinion. So i decided to approach this in my usual way; i interrogated the girls.

The first question, of course, was Why? Why wouldnt you be allowed to live with guys? Guys you KNOW? Probably your closest friends in the class? Guys you'll be seeing for atleast the next 3 years of your lives? Really, what do your parents think is gonna happen? As soon as you move in you quit med school and become a full time hooker, sexually satisfying your male housemates and whatever friends they bring home?

I wish.

We live in a modern world. Women are empowered, have rights, and make their own decisions. Moving in with a guy doesnt mean she'd have to fuck him! Privacy? You have your own bloody room, right? Security? Wouldnt living with a couple of guys make the place alot safer, than say a house full of innocent little girls? There's absolutely no reason why two adult friends of the opposite gender cannot live with each other. Please, if you have a reason, comment. Tell me. Because i certainly cant see one.

One of the anwers i got was: "Its not traditional. Gender segregation is our culture."

I was more peeved.

Culture and tradition. Pathetic.

Culture, the way i see it, is a collection of values and traditions they've been carrying out for as long as they can remember, for no particular reason. Unless tempered with a pinch of common sense, and some cynicism, it can cripple people, keep them from doing things and making decisions that would make life so much easier for them.

Think of some of your 'traditions'. How many arent fun? How many are pure stupidity? A vast majority of what people call 'culture' is made up of actions and beliefs silly, not only lacking in scientific foundations, but just going against plain old common sense. Who invented your culture? It would have been your society, potentially hundreds of years ago. What might have once been practical social ettiquete is now nothing but an archaic social burden, completely unsuitable for any modern population.

Look at how different we are from our parents; look at how society has changed in 20 years, let alone a hundred. The advent of lightspeed global communication, worldwide travel, and a surge of scientific and technological advances have rendered so many traditions obsolete, and created a new culture; what people call 'western culture' is probably the best equipped to handle this new world we have created for ourselves. Just log onto the internet, and there you'll see it; millions of people from a kaleidoscope of societies and backgrounds have gotten together, exchanged ideas and opinions, forming an amalgam society of open debate, acceptance, and free will. The future, hopefully.

And before you internet weary travellers protest, yes, i know. There are alot of noobs online. People do propagate hate and discrimination and narrow mindedness on the net, and it is just as potent, if not more, as it is in the real world. But from what i've seen, for every asshole there is, there are even more genuinely nice people, interested in making new friends and learning from them, people who accept things with an open mind, and actually consider all the possibilities before expressing a strong opinion.

Another friend told me about how she was born; her due date was what her grandfather saw as an 'unfavourable' date, and he made her mother, ripe and ready to deliver, wait at home an extra day instead of going to the hospital. Foolishness to the power infinity in my opinion, putting both the mother and child at risk. And why? Because he thought that being born on a certain day would've damned the child to an unlucky life.

Now i dont know the man, and as tempting as it is, i shant call him an idiot; for all i know, he might've been a brilliant person, with a charming personality and a fantastic face to boot; but his traditional beliefs, what he saw as his culture, clouded his judgement, prevented him from objectively weighing pros and cons and coming to a decision that would have been the safest for both my friend and my friend's mother. Anything that clouds your judgement like that, permanently, isnt something to be celebrated; rather it should be shunned and refused, all round.

Despite these, people persist. Outdated traditions do not die out. Why? Why must individuals cling onto these practices that serve no use? That it is culture is no longer a valid reason; culture must change to adapt to the world, and it will. Traditions must be questioned, examined thouroughly, and modified to suit modern living. New traditions can be made, traditions that we can use to plague our descendants for centuries to come, as our ancestors did us.

One reason some refuse to let go is because their culture is their identity, and their identity is everything to them. Everyone needs an identity; with out it, you dont know who you are. But culture makes lousy identity; do people really want to make themselves known for practicing bygone customs invented by people long dead? Modify your customs, make them trully your own, then you'll have a real identity, not the identity of the herd, but of who you really are.

So back to this housing problem. Culture isnt an excuse, i said indignantly. Question your culture! Question your parents! Demand a reason! The rationalisation behind it! We're young adults, not children anymore, and we're more than deserving of a logical explanation for any decisions our guardians might make. And then came the infamous catch-22: it's not in their culture to question.

My peeveyness exploded.

All this while, i've been talking about culture; under that umbrella i'm referring to not only practices, but attitudes propogated and encouraged by the society as a whole.

Case in point: i asked my friend, with utter frankness, whether she's ever been aroused sexually (the exact word i used was 'horny'). Being a good person, she did not deign to answer. So i asked her, "why wont you tell me?"

She said: "its private. Why should i tell you?"

I thought about it for a while; it was well within her rights to refuse to answer my question. So then i asked: "Whats your favourite colour?"

Sensing a trap, she asked me why.

"I just want to know. Would you tell me?"

She considered, then replied "Yes, i guess i would."

Ha. "Why would you answer that question, and not my sex question?"

Again, she thought about it (i like that about her). "Its not something we talk about normally, i wouldnt go around telling people about my sex habits".

"But," i countered, "I asked you. No one goes around saying they love green or anything, but when someone's asks their favourite colour, they answer. Why not with sex?"

"Because," she finished, "thats not the way we've been brought up."

Bingo.

Its not my friends' fault, of course. They're absolutely right. Sometimes you just can't fight your upbringing. I had the pleasure of growing up on the internet, a place where no one (atleast, mostly no one) cares about where you come from, what your background is, and you can freely express what ever opinion you have, no matter how wild it may be. That explains me. Alot of other people dont get that luxury, sadly... From young, they've been trained not to question, no to argue, to show eternal respect for their elders and their customs.

Respect must be earned, never taught.

But thats not how it is here. Here the old (read:senile) is sacred, and to question is sacrilege. And its hard, because even if you decide to break free of any customs you decide are impractical, you have to put up with the judgment that will be brought down on you by society. Labels and discrimination fly freely when people see their beloved traditions questioned and rebelled against. Marry out of our cast? Traitor! Watch porn? Pervert! Sleep with your boyfriend? Slut!

The obvious solution would be to stop caring what society thinks of you. There will always be open minded people, willing to accept you for what you believe. But we all know that its not that simple. Invariably someone who has the power to make your life miserable will stem from that society you shunned, and when that happens, you'll pay dearly for your opinions. Its easier for people distanced from their cultural families (like myself) to take this solution, but for people who have to face their would-be-persecutors on a day to day basis, expressing your own opinions sometimes just isnt worth the trouble.

The other option is slower, more long term, and perhaps unlikely to happen in my lifestyle: society has to change. Discrimination on the basis of superficial differences, violence because of differing beliefs, isolation and ridicule because of personal opinions plague our social system. The way i see it, these problems all arise from narrow mindness, and a reluctance to accept difference, and as a result of that, change. The way we can solve this is by being open minded, and this starts on a personal level; next time you argue with someone, think carefully about his side. Consider all sides of the equation, give everyone the benefit of the doubt, and never ever pass judgement on someone. And maybe, if everyone in the world reads my blog, our societies would change.

Not everything has to change, and not all at once, and I'm not calling for the abolishment of all cultures and traditions in the world. At one point, these customs and practices would have been useful, if not absolutely necessary. There will still be some that retain some vestige of usefulness, or perhaps even an element of fun. But the modernization of the world has meant many of these are no longer necessary. They have to be refined, modified and maybe even disregarded completely.

Culture can be a good thing, and it must be respected, right up to the point where it holds us back.

293/3. Its been a good day.

Depression.

2009-08-16T08:44:00.001-07:00

First game of the season today. Finally. Seems like ages since i last watched football on the weekend! But its finally started again.

United won today too! Given, it was against a newly promoted team, but a win is a win! And i saw in them flashes of the old united, the pre-ronaldo united, the flash counter attacks, the perfect through balls, beautiful play down the flanks, all the stuff i love about them. And fittingly, Rooney, the man i think encapsulates all that is united, the fire, and raw talent, the effort, scored the winning goal.

And this just in, a breaking news story: To make the day even better, Liverpool have just gone a goal down to tottenham.

Crouch looks really happy. =D

I'm utterly depressed.

Seriously.

I'm about to do something really rare. Blog about something i FEEL. Usually i try to avoid that stuff, chronicaling what happens in my life isnt really the reason i blog, i'd much rather use it to preserve my ideas and thoughts, but sometimes it can be a useful outlet, when i'm up late feeling miserable, with no one to talk to.

This is one of those times!

Anyway, it all started with a dream. It was a really strange dream, felt really long, and was very bizzare. It started innocently enough, myself and a group of uni friends were going down to where the clinical school is, to look for a place to say. I remember, it was the usual dreamy abstract sort of landscape, i remember driving down a highway to this building that is essentially impossible to describe. Basically it was right next to the hospital, and in the dream consisted of a long open corridor in the front, with rooms like little villas ajoining it.

There were lots of cats at first, which i just remember. =D

Anyway, so we liked the place, and i think we moved in. Before that, there was this big problem with snakes, these funny red colour snakes were all over the place, making it impossible to get the hospital... I think i was freaking out in the dream, i cant quite remember.

Then the fun started. Somehow i was teleported into these villa things, which as i mentioned before, were all connect by that long corridor. It was night, i remember it being very dark, and there was a party going on, all sorts of random people from various places in my life. I was wearing an eye patch; maybe it was a fancy dress party or something.

Anyway, i get back to my room. And there she is. She's the girl i ran after during college, for like, a year, somewhat unsuccessfully. And she gives me this look, i've never got from her before. And we kiss.

Yadda yadda yadda, more dream more dream more dream, eventually i wake up, but with that bit just ringing in my mind. Complete clarity, i can remember every little detail, better yet, i can FEEL every little detail.

I woke up more shaken than i have been for a while.

Its so strange. I havent thought about this girl for so long! And i definitly dont have feelings for her still. Its definitly not that. But i'm still not over her! Its like there's unfinished business there.

Ok, first some background. This is the abridged story, from my point of view, ofcourse. I had an amazingly huge crush on her when i first met her, and so chased after her, sadly unsuccessfully. Now i dont think its the rejection that i'm unhappy about? She wasnt the first girl to turn me down, and i've definitly spent more time pursueing come others than her... It was more the manner of my dismissal.

Firstly, she never said flat out, 'boy, i dont like you, so leave me alone.' It was always things like studying, or family, or whatever. Secondly, i never really asked for alot. Never asked her to confess her love to me, or marry me. All i wanted was a date, some time with her alone.

I didnt get any of that, and its fine, really. Its well within her rights to refuse me. But i guess i expected more honesty from her... We were at one point really close, she knew alot about me, and i thought i knew alot about her, but i guess she always thought i was a bit of an immature person.

She's not the first person to think so, ofcourse. I even get a perverse sort of pleasure, cultivating that image among people i'm not so close to, the people i dont really care about. I'm sure the majority of the people you ask will say i'm crazy; have my priorities all wrong; have really unconventional ideas, bordering on the silly and far fetched. And thats perfectly fine, because thats exactly how i present myself at first glance.

But there are a few people that know me better than most. And while i cant say for sure what they actually think, i'm pretty confident they dont all share the general opinion of me. And herein lies the reason i was really disappointed, and a bit angry too. The way she treated me, all those years ago... She was nice and all, definitly, but i always got the feeling from her that she didnt think very highly of me. Infact quite the contrary, she seemed to almost dislike me. Things i heard her saying to other people, the way she spoke to me sometimes, it was almost condescending, and i hated it, most of all because i thought she knew me.

And i always felt comparisons. If you know me you'll know that i'm really quite confident, bordering on arrogant, but with her i always felt insufficient, like i was being contrasted with all the other guys around. In my defense, i was 15, and i knew it, so i never really felt insecure or anything (if anything, it just fed my ego =D ), but it wasnt a pleasant thought, creeping around at the back of my mind, that this person, my closest confidante at one point, thought me inadequate.

I think she has a boyfriend now, actually. I was so taken aback when she told me... So soon after all those excuses she gave me, family, studies, no time, whatever.... Plus I dont know anything about the fellow, when they got together, how they met, how long they've been together... So much for being close friends!

I guess that hurt. This all happened ages ago, more than a year has passed, but i dont think i ever fully got over it. Not her, mind you. I dont really know her anymore, and any romantic interest i had died with all this nonsense. But i felt betrayed, really, and while i never really got over it, i moved on, and pretty much forgot all about.

Until i had that stupid dream.

The reason, i think, it hit such a chord with me, that dream, was because of the way she looked at me in it. I know it was just a figment of my imagination, but there was none of disdain in her face, none of the patronizing i felt i got, nothing. It was like the girl in my dreams actually knew me.

It was nice. =D

Anyway, after this long rant, i should really point out that the majority of my relationship with this girl happened in my head, so the poor girl probably isnt really aware of anything of the rubbish i'm talking about. And she didnt really do anything wrong, per say, except not know me quite as well as i thought she did. Also i dont know for a fact that she actually thought so lowly of me, these are just the feelings i got/get from her when we spoke, so there is the possibility that i'm completely mistaken and she in fact was madly in love with me. =D

I should also mention that, i'm actually quite happy right now. I'm in probably the most satisfying relationship i've ever been in, with someone who actually understands me, and someone i trust with practically everything. In fact i have to tell her about this tomorrow, when i see her. =D I just never really went over all these little little feelings, the 'baggage', if you will, from my previous experience, properly, which is probably why it randomly decided to surface now.

Oh well!

So thats why i am depressed. Or was depressed, rather. At the beginning of the post i was really quite angry, at all these percieved wrongs, but now i'm just a bit worn out. It was such a long time ago, too... I dont know the woman anymore, we've probably both changed so much we're practically strangers. I guess this post is about 2 years over due, brought up again by a random dream.

People are so different too... I was going through a colleagues blog, he's a bit like me, in posting habits, he doesnt post that much, but its all about his opinions and what not... And actually, posting styles is where the simillarities end. We couldnt be anymore different. I'm a completely liberal person, he's very conservative; we have completely different priorities, methods of studying, opinions, judgements... Its interesting, even though i disagree with him on practically everything, he's not a stupid person; i think he's a genuinely thinking person, which is what really matters, whatever the conclusions are.

Yes, that was completely un related to to my depression, so sue me.

Anyway, i kinda hope that girl doesnt read this blog, she'll probably be incredibly offended by what i've said, and in truth, she is a nice girl. Quite pretty too. =D

But i guess i'm not too depressed anymore!

Liverpool lost. =D

On Gender and Genitalia

2009-08-02T19:46:00.000-07:00

This week has been a busy one. My aunt came over to stay for a few days, all the way from good ol' Sri Lanka (who, i must gleefully add, are destroying pakistan at everyone's favourite sport, cricket!) and to mark the event, we decided to have a full fledged reunion, with myself and all the various doctor/sisters coming home for the weekend.

Trust me, this doesnt happen too often, and might become even rarer, so is definitly noteworthy. So with the reunion came the usual family activities: unending noise, meals with more shouting than eating, the occasional glass of Southern Comfort, competition for the internet (which is why, my dearest MSN friends, i havent been coming online nearly as much as i'd love to), and tv, and just generally glorious chaotic fun.

Ironic, and anti-ISA rioters missed the real riot, its been going on in my place for the past few days.

Losers

Ah, there's nothing like family!

So that was basically the reason all university work over the weekened was relegated to the back of my mind, then re-relegated even further out. There was the usual, ever present I-must-revise-cause-everyone-else-is-and-i'll-fail-if-i-dont feeling, but i'd been ignoring that one for pretty much everyday of my life, so it wasnt a bother.

More interesting is my PCL research topic, which now that monday has dawned, has re-emerged from where ever it is thats further away than the back of my mind. Our case this week was a little baby (Kamal or something), with Congenital Adrenal Hyperplasia. My topic particularly dealt with one single potential outcome of this disorder: Ambiguous Genitalia

Yeap, you read right. Ambiguous Genitalia. And i'm tlaking serious stuff. Real Clitoral enlargement (so much so that it's bigger than some unfortunate man's penis), labial FUSION, thats right, coming together and CLOSING. Its no joke, really, while maybe not the most life-threatening condition in the book, its probably a condition, the suferers of which would probably actually open the book, looking for ways to catch some of the life threatening conditions.

Because whats being called into doubt here? Lets look at this from a non-scientific point of view. (You see, its monday morning, and i start my research on thursday. Yes, the submission deadline is wednesday.) Whats at stake here? You're GENDER!

And as i thought about it, i realised, your gender DEFINES you. No ifs, buts or maybes about it, who you are, your identity, every single bloody aspect of your life is defined, first and foremost, by whether your pair is above your waist, or below it.

Nothing else, not race, not nationality, not skin colour, not socio-economic group, nothing is as damning to your life as gender. Even age doesnt matter nearly as much; it doesnt matter exactly how old you are, as long as you can club, drink and drive (though preferrably not at the same time).

Gender determines who your friends are, what your hobbies are, whether your dreams are wet or dry, who you flirt with, who looks at you, who doesnt look at you, everything! Get out of bed, and put on some clothes. Think you chose your clothes? No, no, your gender chooses your clothes.

Try this exercise. Imagine you were in fact a member of the opposite gender. If you're like me, there will be countless numbers of things which you wouldn't have done in your life, that you would have done which you previously did not, etc, etc, etc. Gender is damning, thats the word for it. Look at all the problems homosexuals and transsexuals face; they try to go against what society deems their gender, and look at whats been happening to those poor souls. You can't escape your gonads, and the expectations of you because of them will be with you your entire life.

Damning.

Following along that vein, you realise how different men and women are. Of all the partitions the human race has invented over the course of the millenia, this is the most complete. The most final. No other different has been so permanent, so focused on, so glaringly obvious. Plus the gender conflict has been around, not just since the dawn of intelligent thought, but since some little organism somewhere decided it would be more fun to reproduce with a friend than by its lonesome self.

The other large scale conflict i could think of doesnt even come close to the size or the ferocity in which the gender conflict has been fought over the years. I'm talking about the Crusades, people. Sure, alot of people died, but it never got to the point where Muslims said the Christians are from another planet. Women have been saying that about men for ages now.

Yeap, we're different. Very very very very different. I hate women, personally. They're whiny and emotional and get worked up over the smallest thing (their nails and what not) and they're really spoilt (we all know what happens when a women doesnt get exactly what she wants). The term 'bitchy' was invented with women in mind, remember?

They're also completely in control of the WORLD. We've all played chess, sure, the game revolves around the king, but which piece is most often used to take the poor fellow down? Thats right, the queen.

Its because we love women too. Its quite odd, actually, a genuine love-hate relationship. Cant live with them, but definitly can't live without them too. And i'm sure women feel the exact same way about men! Somewhere out there is a girl blogger, as articulate and good looking as I, going on about how men are un-emotional and detached and have terrible priorities and cant pee straight and bla bla bla. If you're reading this, send me an email.

So looking at all the couples around me, i cant help but be amazed. If men and women can put aside their differences (their very very different differences) and actually live together for their entire lives, its really quite fantastic. Whats with all the hype about inter-faith dialouges and 1Malaysia and all that stuff, when the greatest conflict in the history of mankind is being overcome every single day in all our lives? Think about (most of our) parents, and the girlfriends and the boyfriends (oh, there are plenty of those), and how they somehow manage to put aside their innate sexual differences, and learn to not just get along but actually love each other. If you think about it, they've been doing this amazing thing forever. After this, anything trully is possible.

That reminds me, its someone's birthday today. I think i'll go give her a kiss.

2009-02-17T12:24:00.000-08:00

Its certainly been a while. I havent blogged for a long while. Almost ten months, by my reckoning.

Quite a while. In that time, i finished my first year in medical school, turned eighteen (yey!), got five different sorts of perfume as gifts (i think people are trying to send me a message), helped organize an amazing conference, and found my first girlfriend.

Yes, its been quite a ten months.

I'm kidding about the girlfriend. I'm still hopelessly single.

Anyway, here i am, four thirty in the morning, not even remotely sleepy. My biological clock has been completely up-ended, i havent slept earlier than five in weeks. Havent woken up in time for lunch in weeks either.

I have an actual reason to be up this time though. Just in case you're a completely illiterate barbarian, the greatest football team on earth is still in the running to win an unprecedented five trophies in one season (i know its not gonna happen, but you wouldnt keep a kid from his dreams, would ya?), and one of the many benefits of this is that they're playing maybe twice as many matches as a normal premier league club would. Which is great for me, i love watching them play. And in my excitement, i though their game against Fulham (if they win, they go five points ahead in the league!) was tonight.

Turns out its tomorrow night.

Oh well.

So i figured, since i've got nothing to do, there's nothing to watch on tv, and i've got maybe another hour or so before my dad wakes up and kicks my arse, i might as well attempt to revitalise this absolutely dead blog.

And what better way to revive a blog than to explain the reason it died in the first place!

Blogs die all the time. People get bored, run out of things to write, find new blogs, die, or get lives all the time.
Why'd my blog die?
A mixture of all these reasons, to a certain extent. Laziness, of course, played a part. I got busy, studying real hard for med school. Oh, maybe thats not really one of the reasons, but it sounded cool. A bit of writers block, perhaps, something i'm actually experiencing this very moment.

But the real reason i stopped was a bit more complex. I forgot why i started a blog in the first place.

I realised no one was reading (well, almost no one). No one really cared about what i thought. In the big scheme of things, nothing i wrote here ever really mattered. Insecurity mingled with cynism, resulting in me wondering, if this isnt really gonna affect anyone, why write anything at all?

It was all rather depressing. People like feeling important and in control, like they matter and they have power. I'm no different. Realising that i wasnt important, had no control, didnt matter and definitly had no power really sucked.

So i fell into that hole, and this dear blog payed the price. It was like growing up, you start out with such enthusiasm, so many great ideas and plans and dreams and hopes, and then slowly, as the years wear on, your spark dies out, and you slowly lose your drive. I had so many great ideas, so many things to write about, so many opinions, but all of them ended with that dark little voice saying 'No one cares about you. Forget it. Dont waste your time.'

A few days ago, something happened that evoked those feelings of cynism and pessimism. I was basically shot down. It made me feel small and worthless, insufficient, and again, i felt like curling up in my hole and never coming out. Becoming a social hermit, keeping my thoughts to myself, giving and getting nothing from anyone. Why contribute what you have, when what you have is worthless, and will be rejected anyway?

Then it hit me. Why not?

So what if no one cares. So what if you dont matter. So what if you cant change the world? It shouldnt stop you from doing what you want. If you feel like giving your opinion, give it. Regain some of that enthusiasm we all started out with, and keep going. Keep volunteering, putting yourself out there, take a risk, and get shot down, and then get back up!

Every blog i post, i'm putting myself out there, a target to rejection and ridicule. And its frightening. These writings arent just some words tossed together loosely. As cheesy as it sounds, these blogs are intimate expressions of my deepest being. I think any other writer would be able to identify with it, what you write means something to you, if no one else.

And of course, in danger of sounding sad and pathetic, i'll admit it'd still sting if no one cares about what i write here. Things i wouldnt normally talk about come out here, glimspes of what i hope for and want and think, and i'd like to think that somewhere out there, some one read something i posted, and was affected some how.

But even if no one cared, and no one read this, it wouldnt really matter that much. Because i realised something, while i read the posts i made last year, and the year before that. I dont just write so that other people will read and maybe learn, but i also write for myself. When i write i take a snapshot of my mind, at that very moment in time, and its nice to look back a year or two, to see how far i've come, how much has changed, and how much hasnt.

Anyway, this is in no way a promise for posts in the future. I might fall into my funk again, and only come out of it in thirty years, after the internet has been rendered obsolete by a uni-net that connects us all directly through our minds! Or i might post something new tomorrow. It doesnt really matter.

What matters is that, in a sense, i've realised, i write for myself, and no one else.

Feels good.

On Changing the World

2008-05-31T09:02:00.000-07:00

Thats it, ladies and gents. After exactly 17 years, 4 months and 28 days, i have done it.

I have figured out the solution to all the world's problems

*theme from jaws*

And the answer is: Sex!

No, actually, thats just wistful thinking.
The real answer involves an absolutely un-sexy mix of identity, unity and modification of behaviour considered normal for thousands of years.

Sex sounds so much better, doesnt it.

Anyway. Here starts the serious blog:

Have you opened a newspaper recently? Sure, the sports section is fine, with United winning the premier league AND the champions league (HA!), and the Euro on the verge of starting. But have you seen the world section? Just a glance will tell you that everything is messed up, that something went wrong somewhere, and now hundreds of thousands people are unhappy and dying. Somewhere or another, our parents made a mistake, because while we’re supposed to be advancing as a people, aiming to become the greatest civilisation this universe will ever see, the walls are crumbling and coming down around us.

I’m not gonna even bother listing down all the problems. Go open the paper.

What is going on? Why is everything so wrong? Racism, intolerance, violence, hatred… All these things cause such conflict that world-wide peace seems such a distant boat on the horizon, one in the middle of the Bermuda triangle, being blasted by cannons on one side, sinking into a whirlpool on the other, with Godzilla and the Kraken waiting for a bite, and heavy storm clouds above it, and…. Well, you get the idea.

It must be stopped. I’ve always believed that not having the ability to do something is fine, but having the potential and wasting it is an unforgivable crime. And who has more potential than the nine billion people inhabiting the planet at the moment. We’ve seen what people can do; look around you, everything you have is the result of the labour of a SMALL group of people. Imagine, just imagine what can be achieved if every person on the planet achieves his or her or its full potential. If no one was blown up in a suicide bomb attack, if no one starved, if everyone could afford to go to school, if everyone could get healthcare, if everyone had the freedom and opportunity to express themselves and all their ideas. Its breathtaking, truly beyond what words can encompass, this possibility. I can almost see it, and it is great, oh so great. But sadly, it is as impossible as it is great.

Makes me want to cry.

So I’ll repeat myself. All these problems in the world MUST be stopped, so that we can reach our potential, so we don’t commit the greatest crime of all and fail to fulfil this greatness lying latent in our people. But how?

I decided to do some logical thinking. Before we can stop these conflicts, we must know what lies at the heart of them. Why do all these bad things happen?

Simple. It’s identity.

Tommy Lee Jones said, in Men In Black: ‘A person is smart. But many persons, people, people are wild, unpredictable beasts.’ I cant remember the exact quote, but that was it, more or less.

He hit the nail whack-bam straight on the head.

A person by himself is fine. But when groups of people clump together, they start forming an ‘identity’, which involves everything from customs to beliefs to laws. Everything a person is is defined by his identity. And in return for this obedience to his ‘clan’, the person is rewarded with security, a sense of normalcy and belonging and purpose. This is what religion and race and nationality all involve. For the loyalty a person gives, he gets back a ‘family’, essentially.

Now this shouldn’t really be a problem. Identity isn’t a bad thingy, it helps a person live. So why is it causing trouble? People take their identities far too seriously. Clannish behaviour is essentially when these people, so obsessed with their own group, concentrate solely on the affairs and welfare of themselves, and their group. What other people think or want no longer matters; in fact, it is often seen as an imminent threat on them. Religion, nationality, race, perhaps even gender, all these classes work that way, they all fuel this clannish behaviour. One religion tries to impose its ideology on another, countries don’t care about any suffering going on outside their borders, people of one race are constantly trying to gain an advantage over people of another.

There. That is the reason the world is in such turmoil. Take any situation. Al-Qaeda? An example of a religious group, assured of its righteousness, trying to change everyone around them. The LTTE in Sri Lanka. Idiots, they only care about whether THEY get land and rights and power. Who cares who has to die for it? The mighty junta in Myanmar. While that cyclone decimated the people, they prevented foreign aid from giving swift help. Why? Because they were not part of the Junta clan! Who knows what those devious outsiders had planned. In Malaysia, all kinds of racial discrimination goes on, so people of one race can be assured success. Why? Because that’s the way things are. You stand for your own kind.

It’s a selfishness that gauls me. People are so self-absorbed it’s amazing. How can you care so little about another person, simply because he’s not ‘one of you?’

So it’s this selfish clan behaviour that so undermines any sort of effort towards global unity. And while it’s definitely not the only cause, it is a major factor in the complex equation that always gives destruction as the answer.

Why does this clannish behaviour come about? Let us scale it down for a while. Take a nice big school, with lots of different children. The different cliques are almost immediately visible. The group of ‘cool’ kids who always sit at their own table at lunch, hardly ever talking to anyone outside their group. The big bullies, who patrol the play ground, picking on anyone who isn’t the same size. The Goths, withdrawn and dark, keeping to themselves and glaring at anyone happier than them (which is just about everyone). Like the macrophages in our bodies, they quickly swarm and engulf any intruder identified as ‘non-self’. But why the hostility?

What do all these kids have in common? If you kidnap a kid from each clique, it will be painfully obvious: The cool kid probably sticks to his group to remind himself that he’s worth something. The bully is probably just a big scared baby, taking out his wrath on smaller kids so no one will mess with him. And the goth is probably just in it for the identity, so people will see him and think ‘oh, he’s a goth kid!’.

They’re all insecure. Insecure about themselves, about their self worth, about what other people think about them.

Now let’s scale it right back up. Why would all the great clans of the world be insecure?

They’re all afraid of losing out to some other group. That’s the key part. Every single group in the world, at one point or another, is afraid that some rival bunch somewhere will take something that they could have had. Perhaps even something they needed to have. And so they move to prevent it, move to defend the ‘I’s and the ‘Me’s of the group, move to keep all they can within the clan, and sabotage others from prospering at their expense. Because if a group loses out, it might render them obsolete or extinct, and remember, these groups form the identity of all the people inside them. No one wants to be obsolete, so you can be sure that people will fight for their identities, and thus their groups, till the very end.

Why are these groups so afraid of others getting ahead? It’s basic instinct. Survival of the fittest. The man that has fire lives, the man without it dies. People in one clan NEED to have more than people in the other, its simple instinct: get out ahead of those around you, you’ll survive; fall behind, you die. Fear drives it, creates an in-born need to compete, and win. From this need to be better come all the other fallacies plaguing the world today: Greed, anger, retaliation, jealousy, all those demons come from the simple insecurity of a group of people, their fear that they’ll face obliteration if they allow others to flourish without keeping pace.

It’s all Darwin’s fault.

Now here’s the ultimately depressing bit. This survival of the fittest instinct is purely human nature. That’s the way we are. When someone has a bigger house, we get jealous. When someone takes credit for something we did, we get angry. When someone seems to want to hurt you, you retaliate. It’s all instinctual. It’s what kept us alive back in old times, and we can’t fight it.

Or can we? Take racism for example. It’s been proven that even young children are more likely to trust someone with the same colour skin as them. This is because our race is our clan, and it is supposed to be full of people similar to us, and people whom we can trust (supposedly). And everyone else is the enemy, they are different, and they must not be allowed to do better than our race. I won’t lie, even I get racist feelings and thoughts, and I am very much ashamed of them. I see something happen, my first instinct is often ‘ah, it’s because he’s so and so, all of them are like that’. I think all of us get thoughts that follow along those lines. It’s not whether we get these feelings that matter; it’s what you do with them. Do you act racist? I know I don’t. I make a conscious effort to quash any sort of racist feeling that may develop, and I examine and re-examine myself thoroughly to keep any sort of un-fair bias out.

There. It IS possible to control your natural instincts. And that’s not the only example. You don’t go around sleeping with everyone you see, do you? (A pity, I wouldn’t have minded that too much.) And you don’t excrete all over the place, even if you need to. You find a bathroom! These are all examples where human nature says one thing, but we’ve controlled ourselves and reigned in our urges. And for what? At the risk of sounding terribly cheesy, I’ll say it: It’s for the greater good.

So perhaps there is an ever so thin sliver of hope left, a rescue plane taking off from the other side of the world to try and save the screaming crew of that doomed ship. When you feel these urges, these clannish instincts, suppress them. Forget about them. Fight human nature.

Perhaps, just perhaps, it might save all of us.

I don’t dare to hope.

It is up to us. The new generation. This is our world now, not mine or yours or his. OURS. We need one another, though you might not be able to see it. We CAN build a world where no one needs to be insecure, where no one has to fear being left behind or losing out, where the greater good for everyone takes precedence over an individual’s instinct to be better. But only a universal effort will succeed. EVERYONE must chose to care more about their neighbour than themselves, everyone must be called to go beyond thinking about individuals and clans, and start realising that we’re all in this together in the end, every single one of us, and we all deserve a share.

I can see it now. It’s a vision beyond splendour and magnificence. The wonders we can accomplish, if someone would just rally the world, and if the world would just follow. We can’t keep going down the path we’re on; none of us will survive. But if we can change, transcend the humans we are, and then maybe we just might be able to achieve things that even the most visionary among us can’t even begin to fathom.

Change the world.

We have to.

Will you?

On Honour and Tolerance

2008-04-23T09:39:00.000-07:00

There i was, waiting for my football match to start, when this one particular female sent me a message. Blah blah blah, how are you, yadda yadda yadda, i'm so happy with my boyfriend, blah blah blah.

You see, her boyfriend had recently come back from somewhere, and the reunion had been much anticipated, and they were apparently having a ball. Which is beyond fine, i hope to experience the same kind of reunion pretty soon.

But then, in the course of our conversation, she sent me a message that rather perturbed me. I almost quote (cause i delete every message i get so i'm reciting from memory): "He got into a fight with some guy for leering at me. And of course he won. i'm so proud of him. Sexy wild beast".

And this pissed me off (after i stopped puking). What fools they were! Fucking idiots! Some guy got beaten up because he looked at this girl. Her boyfriend attacked the poor sod simply because he checked the girl out, something every single one of us with dicks (and some of you without) is guilty of.

The perpertrator (or the victim?) had violated her honour, the girl said, in justification for her boyfriends actions, after i expressed my disgust. Her boyfriend commited a crime (assault isnt legal) simply because he, being the over protective ASSHOLE he was, felt that his girl's 'honour' had been outraged.

Fuckwit.

It made me angry beyond expression. How could this guy injure another guy simply because of a percieved wrong doing? How could this girl encourage it? Claim to love it? People like this, the narrow minded folk who think in the short term, who think 'me' only, they are the reason the world is in such a rut. All the wars, all the capitalism, all the poverty, its all because of people who act first and think later. The ones so eager to show off their 'love' or skill or expertise that they thoughtlessly run over 'expendable' bystanders.

She was so happy he beat up the unfortunate chap. Who takes such pleasure from some one else pain? Even i dont do that, and i have no morals. She felt that the boyfriend was showing his love for her. She'd want him to beat up more people! It excites them, it makes them feel special, it completes them.

And her excuse was her HONOUR! The boyfriend was defending her HONOUR! Are they fucked in the head? How does some guy looking at her damage her honour? Honour isnt about things like that, her version is a cruel corruption of the concept.

Honour is a code by which you hold yourself culpable for your actions, not one by which you punish other people! The boyfriend should've beaten himself up, if he really had any honour. And she would have let the leer (god, i'm talking about it like its a real crime) pass, if she had any real honour. Even if her 'honour' had been hurt, in the sense the fools think it, it still didnt give the boyfriend any right to react like that.

Fuckwit.

As you have probably realised, i'm as angry as i get. Its irresponsible, and immature, to do things like that, and just as bad if you encourage it. I really couldnt stand the self satisfied way she was talking about her boyfriends despicable actions, the way she hero worshipped the little prick for his little show of muscle. And i made her well aware of my distaste. I dont think we'll be talking anytime soon.

But in one of her last messages, she said something interesting. "You're my friend, you should accept me the way i am, you should be more tolerating."

Should i? Should i have just told her, 'thats great! he's such a loving guy' or some such comment, and gone on with life? Was i being intolerant? Unreasonable? A bad friend? God forbid, close minded?

It certainly sounded like that, from the things i was saying. I told her that they were immature fools. Real idiots. And that their mentality was disgusting. And that the way they thought was appaling. And that people like them were the reason world peace was only a dream.

Also that i didnt want to associate with people who thought like they did. That i'd hold her to this misdeed till she reviewed her ways.

Sounds so terrible, doesnt it.

But i didnt feel like i was doing anything wrong, and accordingly, i dont think i was. Where is that line drawn? Between standing up for your own morals, and being intolerant? Is there even a line? In the name of tolerance and acceptance, are you supposed to bend over your back to accomodate all sorts of imbeciles you find repulsive?

I certainly hope not. Because i just cannot concede to people who i feel are irresponsible or immature. If i think their ways are retarded, i'm going to say so, openly and frankly.
Am i intolerant?

If standing up for my ideas makes me so, then i guess i should be called intolerant, or close minded, or unaccepting.

I guess the difference would be, when you're expressing yourself you just give your own ideas, and keep it at that. Intolerance implies an attempt to change the other persons frame of mind. Perhaps thats intolerance.

But what does one do when the person in question is beyong logic and rationality? How do you teach someone the error of their ways, without being considered 'intolerant'? Its impossible.

Because some people just wont learn. Some people are just so wrong its impossible to tolerate their ideas. You HAVE to show them the real way, the proper way, and move them from their destructive tendencies. Some people really MUST be changed.

The question is, is it them?

Or is it me?

On Words.

2008-04-21T17:12:00.000-07:00

The exam is done.
It went alright, i didnt cry or pee in my pants or anything, but who knows what'll happen.
So med school isnt anything right now, cause med school is on holiday.
And my life is quite sad without school. I've got nothing to do.

Pathetic.

Anyway! This is just a quick post on an upcoming event! Malaysia has a catholic weekly, The Herald. Its obviously religious, and reports on current events affecting catholics here in malaysia and around the world, runs columns on various spiritual issues, publicises inter-faith dialouges, yadda yadda yadda. It has three or four sections, English, Malay, chinese and/or tamil, i cant recall.
So anywho. The paper has recently been granted its license to publish, but with a condition. The internal security minister, if i am no mistaken, decided that the usage of the word allah in various christian literature would be detrimental to the security of the country. So the herald has been prevented from using this word in any of its malay articles.

Score one for free speech.

Naturally this was met with protest from various groups, and the paper has decided to take the matter to the High Court. The first hearing is on the 26th of April, this saturday, and the Arch-Bishop Murphy Pakiam will be attending.

I reckon there is something seriously wrong in a system where people have to go to court just so that publications of a certain religion can use the word that means 'god' in a certain language.

So there's a bit of information for ya.
Stand up for freedom of speech.

And pray to all- i mean, god- that the court shows a bit of sense.

On Perspective

2008-04-13T06:09:00.000-07:00

Med School currently sucks.
Exams are arseholes.
But i still love med school. =D

So anyway. Perspective. Its a beautiful thing. A persons entire livelyhood can be classified as good or bad simply on his or her perspective. What a person perceives, whether completely accurate or ridiculously false, is real and indisputable to that person. The world isnt built on atoms or quarks, elements or compounds, roads or buildings. No.
This world is built on perspective.

This world? Did i say this world? There is no such thing! Due to this amazing thing called perspective, no one really shares a common world. We all have our own unique little worlds, seperate from each other and yet irresistably entwined together. Your world begins when you're born, is shattered when your girlfriend sleeps with your best friend, and ends when you die (hopefully before that bastard of a best friend). Your marriage, your fathers death, your sisters graduation, your first job, all these events have a huge impact on your world. But no one seems to care, really. Despite all these potential life shattering events, the world spins on, people keep living. No one cares. No one even seems to know!
Why?
Because all these events are in YOUR world. Everyone else had their own world, free of your issues, but filled with their own happenings, none of which you really give a damn about.

A problem that might plague you, drive you up the wall, may seem like a real bed of roses with extra blessings on it to some people. This said, the greatest, most fulfilling triumph you have ever experiences may seem like the worst kind of curse when seen through someone elses perspectives.

Oh, the inequality!

Perspective really seems to seperate us. With different perspectives, no one is ever really going to agree with anyone! How are we gonna survive this? Disagreements, arguements, fights, fist-fights, battles, wars! We're all gonnna diiiiieeeeeee!

Ok, maybe i'm over reacting slightly. I'm looking at one extreme end of the spectrum. We've gotten on quite well, seeing as there are nine billion different perspectives in the world today. Ok, there have been a few wars, but hey, there are still alot of people alive. When you think about it, the world isnt going too badly.

But this realisation of the differences in perspectives isnt necessarily bad. While it can be a bit scary, it also opens up the door that comes with all episodes of realisation. The opportunity for understanding is now available.
If everyone realised that everyone else has a different perspective on life, and thinks in a very different way, people would get along so much better. For example, its hard to be angry with that best friend of yours when you understand that from his perspective, he was just an innocent guy who succumbed to the strong (very strong) pressure exerted by his balls. You might even realise that if you had been in his situation, you wouldnt have fared much better.
Not so much of a bastard anymore, is he?

But this understanding can be applied to problems alot larger in scale than your girlfriend cheating on you (yes, there are bigger problems. Like my exams). If George Bush realises what Osama thought, and Osama understood Bush's point of view, maybe alot of lives could have been saved. Maybe those planes would've still crashed into twin towers. But maybe Osama would've thought, 'hey, these people are not really out to get rid of my religion. They just want to live life their own way. Why shouldnt i let them?' And maybe Bush would've thought 'hey, these people are trying to get a point across. Maybe i should try to talk to them, instead of invading their country!'.

Think of the potential. Its not the same as everyone actually thinking in the same way. That would be monotonous and boring. But with understanding, everyone still retains their own personal views, while making allowances for the views of everyone else.

And with this understanding comes respect. With worldwide respect, well, alot more people would be happier. And everyone will be wiser.

This post comes with two morals, in the end. The first moral, of course, is we should all put in the extra effort to understand why someone does what he does, and to discern where a difference in perspective could cause a conflict, and how compromise to avoid said conflicts. We could all actually make the world a better place.

And the second moral of the story is, if i ever sleep with your girlfriend, dont blame me.
Blame perspective.

On Nothing at All.

2008-04-01T03:26:00.000-07:00

Med School rocks.

=D

I've got no real reason to post right now, i just feel like it. I feel really sad right now, for various reasons, and i've found out something very interesting about myself.

So maybe i do have a reason to blog! =D

Anyway, most doctors and senior med students probably wouldnt blink, but last week i met my first patient! Its a load of fun, we werent meeting in an official capacity, rather myself and a colleague just happened to be in the same room as she was, so we struck a conversation, and she was really nice. She was in for something simple, and further details i wont post up (apparently patient-doctor confidentiality is a BIG thing). So we talked, i attempted to use my *non existant* medical interview skills to ellicit medical info from her, and made a complete fool of myself, yadda yadda yadda.

Basically she was a great first patient to talk to, and i really hope i dont forget it. =D

So that leads me to the first contributor to my sadness. My colleague who was with me that day just told me that apparently, my first patient has quite a serious disorder (once again, i cant quite disclose any information, so bear with me). It might not sound like much, but really, its a slap in the face. To think, just a week ago, i talked to her, she was perfectly (well, almost perfectly) fine. Now, her life is literally in danger.

Its weird.

But hey, i guess i'd better get used to it! I'm gonna be killing patients left right and centre after i graduate. =D

So anyway, this made me discover something about myself. I was really sad when i heard, i dont know why, maybe its a culmination of various negative influences in my life right now, but i was really sad.

I was in a group of friends, six or seven, all of them pretty close, and for some reason, even though i felt really sad, i just couldnt let it out. Seriously, there was nothing showing, nothing at all. I even tried acting a little sad, but that didnt work. I was just my usual moronic self, even though i was pretty sad inside.

Funny. The guy who talks too much cant express himself. =D

So anyway, thats all i pretty much wanted to say. I also wanted to record a sliver of a memory of this patient, in a place where i couldnt forget it or lose it. Maybe twenty years from now, when i'm a stone hearted bastard, i'll look back at this, and feel sad again.

Maybe.

On Tagged

2008-03-29T05:59:00.000-07:00

Well, apparently, i've been tagged.
And apparently i cant refuse to do it.
So apparently, i've got to answer a bunch of invasive questions.

Here are the rules:

A． People who have been tagged must write their answers on their blogs and replace any question they dislike with a new question formulated by themselves Tag 8 people. Those who are tagged cannot refuse.
B． These 8 people must state who they were tagged by. Ashy tagged me. You cannot tag the person who tagged you. Continue this game by sending this to 8 other people.

1. If your lover betrayed you, what will your reaction be?
Well. As long as the person tells me about it, i wouldnt actually consider it a betrayal. But by 'betraying' me, she would have made the relationship non-exclusive, which is fine.

2. What will you do if you do not share the same feelings as the person who likes you?
Honesty is the best policy.

3. What will your dream wedding be like?
A small one, in a church maybe, with no hassle, followed by an immediate honeymoon.

4. Are you confused as to what lies ahead of you?
Looking forward to it.

5. What’s your ideal lover like?
I've got no ideal.

6. Which is more blessed, loving someone or being loved by someone else?
Loving someone is my personal preferrence. Haha, I bet you wouldnt have guessed that!

7. If the person you like does not accept you, would you continue to wait for them to change their feelings?
Well, i'd hang around, not completely cut them off, but i'd see other people too.

8. If the person you secretly like is already attached, what would you do?
Keep my mouth shut.

9. Is there anything that has made you unhappy recently?
Yeap. But what, who knows.

10. What do you want most in life?
Independance.

11. Is being tagged fun?
Haha, its keeping me from looking at stupid slides of the histology of the gastro-intestinal system, so hell yeah. =D

12. If you find out that your best friend is going out with your boyfriend/girlfriend, how would you react?
Nothing. If they want to, let them.

13. Who is currently the most important person to you?
Wayne Rooney.

14. What kind of person do you think I am?
Ashy: The kind of person i really should hang out with more.

15. What is the most unforgettable thing/event in your life?
I cant remember. =D

16. If the person you secretly like cannot recognise you, what would you do/how would you react?
Make her recognise me. =D

17. Would you give your all in a relationship?
Thats the point. And thats why i dont get involved.

18. If you fall in love with two persons simultaneously, who would you pick?
The third person i like. =D

19. What type of friends do you like?
Anyone and everyone. Just dont be dramatic.

20. If you played a prank on someone, and he/she fell for the trick, what would you do?
Post it on youtube! =D

And thats the end!
Anyway, seeing as i've got no friends, i'm not gonna tag anyone else. But if anyone wants to copy this, feel free.

And while i've done my best to be vague, i've still answered every question, so enjoy!

On Rights

2008-03-23T16:43:00.000-07:00

Med School STILL rocks.

=D

Guess where i am, at 7 o'clock on a wednesday morning! I'm in histopathology lab! Thats right, a lab with a big medical word next to it! Its awesome, i tell you. Just awesome.
So anyway, today is my clinical visit, so i'm dressed very nicely in my black slacks, pink shirt, and pink tie. Talk about suicidal. I've got a feeling that i'm gonna be teased a bit today.
But i've got my labcoat too, and i tell you, nothing feels better than wearing a lab coat. Today, i can REALLY pretend to be a doctor.

=D

So anyway, have you opened up the news paper recently? Gone passed the comics and sports (yes, i know, its hard to think about anything right now other than Manchester United 3, Liverpool 0, but do try!) and taken a peek at the dramas showing on the world stage? Well, if you have, then you'll know that the paper reads like a tragedy, worthy of shakespeare himself!

Seriously, look at it. The entire world is coming apart at the seams. Terrorism, religious injustices, US elections, all sorts of terrible, dangerous things are going on. Country shapes up against country, government against government, radical islamists against... well, against just about everyone.

One particular article especially gauled me. Some indonesia ulama (or was it a dude invovled in the Bali bombing? cant quite recall) called the bali bombers heroes. And encouraged more young muslims to aspire to matyrdom. Aspire to killing yourself. Bastard.

All in all, malaysian newspapers these days arent fun reading (unless you enjoy blatantly biased political news). Something is wrong somewhere, because people just arent getting along, and nothing is getting better.

So i started pondering over it. I figured since one day i'm gonna rule the world, it was a good idea to figure out all its problems. SO i pondered.

I realised one interesting thing most people overlook. Take an example, 'crimes' agaisnt islam, for instance. Those dutch cartoons (thank you for standing up for free speech, and publishing them again!). It was met with INTENSE protestation, people took to the streets with weapons and words, death threats ran rampant. There was no small amount of outrage from certain areas, and demands for apologies and punishments. Mostly punishments.

But why all the ruckus? I'll tell you why. Its because people love their religion. Its only normal. But some love it so much, they have the notion that no one can offend it, that its their RIGHT to see their religion protected from what they see as attacks.

Now this took back to my childhood days (oh, so long ago!). When i was in kelantan, i didnt have much of a social life (its kelantan, people. If you havent lived there, you dont know), so i turned to the only other place i had: Cyberspace. I had quite the rollicking internet life, amidst all the porn and games (no blogs back then, sadly). So naturally i spent a perfectly reasonable amount of time online (about 25 hours a day).

My father, however, decided to come between me and my newfound life. I used to have to beg him to let me stay on for extended periods of time (when i say extended, i mean EXTENDED!!!!!), and he only gave me about two hours, tops.

I was outraged. Who was he to come between me and my close friends whom i actually knew absolutely nothing about? It was sacrilege! I expressed my righteous anger at his interfering ways, and ended up with no internet time at all.
Good times!
=D

But anyway, before he sent me to my room to rot, he used to tell me 'Isuru, dont think it's your right to use the internet. You dont have any rights in this world, only privileges other people give you. And with these privileges come responsibility.'

Back then, naturally,i thought, 'what the hell are you talking about, man! I WANNA USE THE INTERNET!!!!'. And i didnt really pay attention to what he said.

But now in hindsight, thinking about the world problems, i realised that what he said applied not only to me, but to nearly every conflict everywhere. I didnt have the right to use the internet, so accordingly, i had no right to be angry about my limited use. But in his kindness, my pops gave me the privilege of internet use, something i ought to have been grateful for. But with that privilege came reponsibilities, not to abuse the net or get addicted to it.

Apply that to the sadly common world situation i used as an example. The outraged people really have to right to be angry, because its not their right that everything published or done in the world should conform to their expectations and beliefs. But the publishers of the cartoons should know better, and give those people a privilege, by not publishing the cartoons. Its an act of kindness, and respect. But with that privilege, the people also have a responsibility NOT to act in extreme ways, and in turn respect the freedom of other people.

If things worked that way, the world would be a very very different place.

There's one more good reason to remember that everything you have in the world isnt your right, but infact you privilege. When you have the 'right' to something, and its taken away, you often act in anger, anger which is made all the more dangerous by the fact that you believe it to be righteous. But if you remember that everything is infact a privilege, you'd appreciate what you have more, and keep in line with the responsibilites fallen to you so as to keep whatever privileges you have.

I really hope you understood what i said, because i've got a feeling that if we want to change things so that the situations around the world all start improving, we're all gonna have to adopt this kind of attitude. Its highly unlikely, but hey, i can dream.
=D

In conclusion, i'd like to point out one very very important fact. My dad's a man of great wisdom. This post belongs to him.

Dont tell him i said that. =D

On Morality

2008-03-05T05:54:00.000-08:00

Med school rocks.

=D

So anyway, the other day, i was playing table tennis with a bunch of friends, chatting about various random things. The topic of homosexuality came up, and after i finished making my usual joke (an obvious 'subtle' moment towards the closest male), i stated that while i am straight (very, very straight), i had no feelings of animosity for anyone who tilted in the opposite direction.

Surprisingly, my neutral stand was not shared by quite a few of my friends. A couple of them were very anti homosexuality, in fact, so much so as to make declarations such as, i quote "if my son turns out to be gay, i'd just shoot him. If he's a boy, he has to be a boy".

Extreme, i thought. But the people who had this view werent stupid or close minded or anything. They were all intelligent, liberal, thinking folk (you have to be to get into this university), people who wouldnt make sweeping statements in ignorance or mis-guided belief. Their actual opinion was that homosexuality was morally wrong.

Fair enough, everyone is entitled to their own opinions. But this set of a chain reaction of thoughts in my head, and they all revolved around this question: "What is moral?"

Everyone has a different answer for this question. What you think is perfectly correct from a moral sense, i might find completely and absolutely abhorrent. So who is correct?

This brings up the next question. Is there any such thing as universal morality? A set, solid bunch of rules, saying exactly what sort of activity is immoral for everyone?

Some people would say there is, and for arguements sake, i'll continue now as if there is a universal code of morality. What would be in this code?

Do not kill? Is it ALWAYS wrong to take a life? Most of the time, perhaps. But i'm sure there are occasions when killing is alright. Self defence, for instance. Or if the person is a danger to people around him or her. Killing is also used as a punishment for crimes. It seems like killing isnt ALWAYS wrong. In fact, in some circumstances, it seems morally wrong NOT to kill a person (dangerous folk, for instance). So that rule isnt universal.

Do not steal? This one was an interesting one to think about. What is the definiton of stealing? Taking something that belongs to someone else? What if YOU deserved the thing that person had? Or what if the act of not stealing will have serious adverse consequences? Is it alright to steal then? I think it is. So the moral rule on stealing isnt very universal either.

What about lying? Most people would agree that it is morally wrong to lie. But how many people actually completely refrain from lying? The first person who claims to have never lied is lying then and there. Lying has plenty of good uses, it can prevent akward situations or hurt feelings. SO lying isnt necessarily bad, meaning this rule cannot be considered universal either.

I can go on forever and ever. Any and every moral law, rule, or sensibility can be poked through. There will always be situations where things that are normally considered morally wrong are in fact acceptable, sometimes even required.

What about homosexuality? Is that morally wrong? Its been found in many animal species, and has been around as long as heterosexuality has been. How can something so natural be morally wrong?

It so happened the chaps who were anti homosexuality were muslim. That was another thing to look at. Religion has a serious effect on your individual moral standing. In fact, most of the time, your opinions are shaped by whatever religion (or the absence of one) you were brought up in. People claim secular laws and human rights are universal, but even secular laws are based on what religion says. No matter how much we try, it is impossible to seperate religion from law of the state, and consequently the law of the individual, which is that person's morality.

And if people base their morality on religion, because of the huge number and diversity in the religions of the world today, an equally large difference in the moral opinions of the people will be present.

So i think i can pretty much rule out the existance of a universal moral code.

The other alternative is that there is no universal moral code. As long as you feel, honestly deep down in your heart, that what you're doing is correct, you are on the morally right path.

But this opens up an immense pandora's box of conflict and anarchy. This means that no one has the right to tell another person 'hey, stop. What you're doing is wrong', because it isnt wrong. But this would mean no order, no control, people doing exactly what they like when they like, and society as we know it would pretty much implode.

So the existance of a universal moral code is doubtful, but the non existance of it is a potential disaster. A fine mess we find ourselves in!

I christen this the Morality Crisis.

Now what?

This is where religion comes in as so useful. It proclaims a universal code of morality, thus giving people a strict guideline to conform to. It keeps everyone under control, which is a good thing from the society's point of view. Whether religion is correct or not is besides the point; all that matters is that people believe it (a bit blindly) and follow it.

In this way religion is a pretty imperfect solution to the morality crisis. It works by supressing free thought and individualism, and encouraging blind faith in things that can never be proven. It does work, true, but its more a case of the lesser of the two evils.

It does give hope for the future though. Maybe one day people wont need religion to tell them what to do. I can almost imagine a society where everyone thinks before acting, where all the individual members work towards the collective betterment of the society, for the benefit of everyone involved. A society where people, when faced with decisions, act in certain ways not because God told them too, not because it the social norm, but because they know, they can see, what will be good in the long run for mankind.

I can dream.

On Spirituality

2008-02-23T05:33:00.000-08:00

Its been a long time since my last post. Sorry about that. I could give loads of excuses on how i've had no time and i've been really busy and what not, but i've just been a bit lazy, and there's no denying that! Well, i'm back again, and alot has happened.

Alot.

The biggest, ofcourse, would be the fact that i'm now in university. Thats right, ladies and gents, i'm now a MEDICAL STUDENT.

Ha.

No, really.

Its completely awesome. Med school is very very different from secondary school, or college even. Somehow the atmosphere in general is more matured (yeah, i know, i dont quite fit in.), and the people there just seem on a whole new level. I guess its becacuse we (i mean, they) are adults.
Another difference is the level of competition. Back in school, your relative ranking was rather important, but here, a pass is a pass, and a fail is a (gulp) fail. Which is great, because the people here? They're all BRILLIANT. Seriously. There's not a single slow person in the batch. These guys really are the cream of the crop, getting into monash is supposed to be really difficult.

So anyway, i just got back from a transition camp held solely for the med students, all the way in PD. It was loads of fun, we all got to know each other pretty well, and we had all sorts of opportunities to embarrass ourselves infront of each other. We even had a little serious work, a few talks and such about the various issues that would affect the future doctors of the world *puffs out chest*, everything from the layout of classes to the Health Enhancement Programme (HEP) designed to help us stay alive.

At this point you're probably wondering why i'm rambling on about my utterly boring life, when spirituality is in the title. And you're probably wondering why you're even reading this blog. And i'll tell you why. Its because you've got absolutely no life, so stop thinking and keep reading.

Anyway, back to my story. In one of the tutorial discussions on the HEP we had, the facilitator introduced us to the ESSENCE concept. It's supposedly a frame work for self examination or something, and each letter stands for something like Stress Management or Excercise or Nutrition or something. And one of the Ss in that word stands for spirituality.

So there we were, talking about spirituality. And out of the blue, the facilitator dude asks "So... What IS spirituality?"
Silence. I swear, we could hear the crickets chriping. What the hell was spirituality? And why is it important? So i thought about it. And after a few seconds, i came up with this definition: "Human beings, despite having everything they really need, still feel a sense of lacking; a void in them that nothing seems to fill. Spirituality fills this hole."

That seemed like a pretty good definition, to me atleast. Except for the fact that it doesnt REALLY define spirituality, rather it explains what it is. So for me now, a persons 'spiritual needs' simply refer to that feeling of lacking that many people experience.

You see, in my case, i really crave something. For the longest time i thought it was something sexual, like i needed some sort of companionship or maybe even plain old physical gratification, but when chances to satify this came along, i tended to turn them down. This forced me to rethink my original conclusion, because i realised that i didnt really want sex or anything sexual. It wasn't an intellectual need either, because i was getting enough mental stimulation, but it did nothing to reduce my cravings.

So maybe thats where spirituality comes into play. You need something more in your life, something spiritual, something beyond the material and substantial. And much like the way you feel heart attack pain in your left arm instead of your chest, people tend to displace this need, mistake it for something else, predominantly sexual.
It explains why many people tend to misbehave sexually, too. Instead of them being bad or reckless or whatnot, perhaps these people just feel an intense need for something, something they cant identify, and they make the wrong assumption about it. They try really hard to satisfy the craving, but somehow never can, because its not really a sexual need, but a spiritual one.

Now before i continue, i must say i'm making a major assumption. I'm projecting my own feelings onto the general population, so its actually quite likely that the entire argument is wrong. This only holds true if the feeling of emptyness i sometimes experience is also experienced by a large portion of the other humans out there.

Anyway, to continue. It just so happens i was in church today, and a phrase in one hymn struck me: "Come, let him fill the emptyness in your life", or something like that. Thats why religion is such a big seller! Some people do realise that this emptyness is more of a spiritual thing, and they try religion (instead of sex like some others). And since many people join religion (when i say religion i mean everything that offers to fill the void in peoples souls; Christianity, islam, buddhism, whatever), i assume it works! They must find it healing, or fulfilling, more so than any of the other alternatives people could take.

While you can debate my definition of spiritual needs, there's no denying that fulfilling them is an extremely important factor in one's entire well being. And since religion is often the answer to one's spiritual well being, you can almost say that human beings NEED a god. They need some sort of higher metaphysical being controlling and influencing their lives, giving their lives meaning.

Now why in the world would human's evolve a need for god? We need many things, like food (for obvious reasons) or sex (to further the species), but why a god? It makes no sense, because it is an essentially useless trait for the species. Infact, i think it actually hinders us somewhat! So many people die over disagreements about these gods, gods we apparently all need. From a scientific sense, spiritual needs, or the need for a god, is completely illogical. It shouldnt exist.

Unless.

Unless. Someone, someone who didnt quite want to be forgotten, put it there.

On frustration.

2008-01-11T09:16:00.000-08:00

It's past one in the morning, and here i am, blogging like an idiot.
I cant sleep.

But i've got jack shit to do online too.

Basically. I've got nothing to do at all.

I'm so frustrated.

I've got stuff to do, i could read, stone infront of the tv, sleep.... But something is missing! Nothing feels right.

My wrist burns. Stupid injury. Got it last year (no, wait, now thats the year before last), playing futsal for college, goalkeeping. The initial hit wasnt too bad, some chump blasted it at point blank, and i -accidently- got my palm in the way, spraining my wrist pretty badly. Then it just so happened that a girl i was dying to impress was in the crowd, so i told the St John's fellows to just spray the wrist down. And i continued playing with my numb sprained wrist taking numerous blows.

After THAT, i felt pain. Couldnt use it for three months.

And now its back, gnawing at my hand when i move it akwardly. It makes guitar playing nearly impossible, and typing alot harder than it should have been.

All in all, its not helping my current situation.

BAck to that!

I'm terribly frustrated. Just sitting at home, watching my precious time slip away... As Kipling said:
"If you can fill the unforgiving minute,
With sixty seconds worth of distance run,
Yours is the world, and everything in it;
Whats more, you'll be a man, my son."

Sadly, i havent been filling my unforgiving minutes. I've not been intellectually challenged (by anything interesting) for a while now, so my brain is rotting away. There was this little puzzle in this Artemis Fowl book, but it got boring fast. I'm not too good on word plays, i prefer actual information.

Creatively, well, nothing's been going right. Its like i've hit a rock, all my powers of unique invention have been stolen, my creative juices drained away. I've not had any good story inspirations for a while (like i finish any of my stories anyway), my music and lyrics composing has pretty much died (i still only have those five half songs i wrote), and though my ideas are flowing like never before, i just have no way to crystalise them.
Or maybe i'm not quite talented enough.

I dont know which is worse, being intellectually frustrated, or creatively disabled.

I know. Being sexually deprived.

Need i say more? I'm not getting within three feet of a girl, let alone laid. But then, i've never been so close to a girl, and when i think about it carefully, i'd actually prefer an interesting scientific dilemma or an interesting story over a girl.

Good grief, look at whats happenning to me!

I'm out of solutions. I cant find anything intelligent to occupy myself, and its impossible to force the creative process. I'm just gonna have to wait this slump out.

For now, i'll just drown myself in rock music.
Ahhhhh. Nirvana, both kinds.

On Beautiful Thoughts

2008-01-08T07:24:00.000-08:00

What a random day today was.

First we went and watched Enchanted. No, thats does not make me gay. And yes, i did like it. SUE me. I thought it was pretty hilarious, come on, when was the last time you saw singing and choreographed dancing in an english movie not classified as a musical? Reminded me of a hindi film. And the acting was excellent (James Marsden is so very underrated), the plot solid, the jokes hilarious, and the dresses really really low. What more could you want?

Then i bought four books. I dont know if its a good thing or bad, i just cant help myself anymore. I'm cleaning out all my savings, i have to cut down on reading.

I'm gonna be broke soon.

Then as i waited at the commuter station for my folks, i started doing that one thing we all shouldnt be doing. No, not evangelizing. Thinking. And i had three thoughts.

1. Death is always a sad thing, aint it? Having close relative pass away can be pretty devastating, especially when you're sitting for important exams (the A levels are going on). I wouldnt know, i've never lost a close relative (touch wood!). And in this time of grief, people can react in two ways: a) They fill the hole with a sudden intimate relationship (a bit of a rebound), or b) They put up a wall around themselves, shutting everyone out.

Sadly, the friend i have in mind is the second type. And i pretty much get it, the person needs space. But how much space? Not a single message in three days is a bit much, isnt it? This from a friend who usually messages atleast once a day. Even with funerals and mourning and stuff, i'm sure there's time to type an sms, ten seconds is all, and send it.
The possible explaination is that in a time of emotional loss and vulnerability, you (I) am the last thing on that persons mind.
Which kinda sucks, makes me somewhat expendable.

On the other hand, am i being too needy? Well, i dont think so. Maybe i just do have a hero complex.

2. I was thinking about parents. They are the root of all problems everyone faces.

Very drastic accusations, eh. But its true. Whether its because they're there too much, or because they're not their at all, somehow, they're responsible if the child is screwed up. Some parents abandon their children, some hover over the poor kids incessantly, the latter results in wild immoral people and the former in wilder rebellious people.

You'll never have a kid, with absolutely NO complaints about their parents. Somewhere or another, there will be a problem. Parents make their kids feel insufficient, abandoned, stifled, guilty, angry, depressed, abused, abusive, rebellious, and a billion other things i cant remember at this moment in time. And each of these negative feelings will blossom into some sort of problem for the child in question, manisfesting themselves either in childhood or after the individual has grown to adulthood.

So, people, you have any problems? Depression, addiction, anger, stress? Think hard, in the end, your parents are at fault. Go tell them. Tell them how their short comings have almost certainly destroyed your happiness, how you dont want them anymore.

And cringe as they laugh at you and tell you to shut up, get back to your studies and stop wasting time reading silly blogs.

3. Now this part is a tragedy. Here i had this beautiful thought. It was witty, well composed, interesting, and very profound. IN fact it was so profound it inspired me to write this blog. But here's the tragedy: I cant remember what it was. For the life of me, i cannot recall it. It has been locked up deep in the crevices of my crowded brain, fleeting like a dream, leaving behind frail wisps of its glory and brilliance for me to cling on too, in vain as even those slip through my mind as drops of water would through my tightened fists. Yet even as i grasp for it harder, it falls away, deeper and deeper into shadow.

And that is my tribute to that thought. Maybe one day it will strike me again, but till then, you'll have to take my word on how brilliant it was.

*******************************************

I'm afraid i have to end this blog on a sad note. A shortwhile ago, one of my sister's ex classmates, a dental student, was killed, supposedly in a car accident. The unexpectedness caught me off guard, and i didnt even know him very well, just by sight.

It's not fair to have life cut out just like that, without warning, and with so much potential left. But then when is anything ever fair?

Think about him and the countless others who lose everything, in a heartbeat.

On Death and Knowledge

2008-01-05T00:06:00.000-08:00

At long last, i am back to my home town. The internet.

Firstly, sorry for the long delay, moving is terribly hectic. And secondly, merry christmas and happy new year to all my readers! Yeah, to all two of you!

Anyways, in this time i've been offline, i've done all sorts of soul searching, and i've got tonnes to write but no clue where to start. I wanted to say something about this epiphany i got while peeing in the Cheras Tesco, but i've to organise it first into something readable.

Anyhooo, i did a bit of exploring in the dark expanse i call my mind, and found a couple of interesting things.

Did anyone happen to read my earlier blog on the Aquarian?
I know none of you did, dont try and bull. Anyway, one of the characteristics of the Aquarian that fits me like a glove is the curiousity. I quote: "Aquarians are always analyzing situations, friends and strangers. It can be disturbing when they start asking pointblank questions, with a bare minimum of tact, as they probe into the heart of your private feelings."

Thats me in two sentences, as any of my friends could attest. So i asked myself the most basic philosophical (and yet most impossible to answer) question:

Why?

The first why was pretty simple. WHat motivates me to ask questions non stop about everything? Knowledge. I like to know stuff, whats going on, who's with whom, what who thinks, when what's happening, so on and so forth. Its a trait of mine, i strongly believe in the phrase knowledge is power.

Why?

Now things got a bit more complicated. Why do i want to know everything? The most obvious reason would be power. When you know everything thats going on, every thought and motive and potential reaction, manipulating situations to your own ends becomes very easy. Of course there's the less subtle blackmailing and bribing. But no, that wasnt the real reason, because i usually keep my information to myself, and have no real reason to manipulate (plus i'm way to lazy to actually do any of that stuff). And yet this knowledge is very important to me.

*************************

At this point i must interject the flow of the blog with a point that popped up in my mind. I've always found death tragic, but why i never knew. I dont miss people ever, and i know one person dying doesnt really affect the world in any way. So while i was pondering over my own thirst for knowledge the answer hit me.

Each and every person, no matter how similar they might seem to others, is unique in one way, their minds. The information present in someone's head, the conclusions drawn from it, the extrpolations made, and connections found between different bits and pieces, all in all the huge web of knowledge formed, is always different. Two people may know the same thing, but they may understand it differently, and connect it to dissimilar things. Also everyone experiences occasions and happenings in their own, completely unique way.

Point is, when some one dies, his mind is lost. No one will ever have an exactly identical line of thought, and all his experiences and thoughts will disappear, never to be known again. That is why dying is such a sad thing. Imagine how much a seventy year old man knows! All of it just disappearing forever seems such a terrible waste it almost makes me cry to think about it.

I'm sure if you've had a close relative pass away (lets call him Bob), you know what i'm talking about. When do you really miss a person? When a situation comes up, and you think, hey, remember Bob? He would have said .... Now what is that but remembering the unique way in which Bob's mind would react to a situation?

One of the most akward times in our lives is when a close friend or relative's death is inevitably close by. What could you possible say to that person? 'Everything will be alright', or 'We'll never forget you' and other such cliched phrases seem somewhat empty in the face of real death. Personally, i think the best solution would be not to talk. Let the person on his deathbed talk. Learn about his life, his dreams, his opinions, his experiences, his hopes, his whole life. That way the person, even after death, will be alive in your mind, his life not lost to obscurity.

And maybe thats what this blog is. A last ditch grab at immortality, a desperate attempt to keeep my thoughts alive.

On Life Goals

2007-12-12T03:33:00.000-08:00

Here are the things i want to learn in the next few years of my life:

1. Archery
2. Swordsmanship
3. Three different martial arts.
4. Hacking
5. Car hotwiring
6. Music mixing
7. Guitar soloing
8. Drumming
9. How to use a mac.

Thats it for now, i'll add a few more later.

On Madness

2007-12-04T01:41:00.000-08:00

Sorry for the long lay off, i've been really busy and way too lazy to blog.
Anyway, since that dreams post, my dreams have become complex and vague, and i can never remember what exactly happened in them. All i remember is that i had a dream, and occasionally as i'm going to my daily routine i'll recall a person or a detail randomly, sometimes i just get a sense of deja vu.
So basically, the dream thing has been scrapped.

Dont cry, i know you were dying to hear about my dreams, but you'll survive.

Work has been hell. And no matter how much i sleep i'm tired. I've been having mood swings, which is odd for me because i'm typically detached.

Oh, and i'm insane. Really.

I have a handful of mental disorders. I started thinking about insanity when one day, while i was doing my rather tedious work, the phrase "Great! Thats awesome!" just popped into my head. I wasnt thinking of anything, my mind was completely blank, and those words just came. I dont know whats great and why it is so, those words just appeared.

That is obviously something akin to schizophrenia. I'm hearing voices, for crying out loud! Mental disorder number 1. But the voices also tell me that i have other problems.

Mental disorder 2: I've always been a tad obsessive compulsive. I know, i know, most of the people who know me will laugh at this one. Usually i'm the lazy laid back slob. But did you know, when i was a kid, i used to spend ages arranging my colour pencils so that the tips were exactly on the same level? Or that when i take ice from the ice maker in those styrofoam boxes, the ice must be perfectly even on the surface?

Then of course, there's number three. I'm paranoid. Completely. I dont trust anyone, because i know, deep down inside, you are ALL out to get me. Every one is plotting some thing behind my back. IN fact, everything is this world is probably one big trick, one conspiracy, against me.
Might sound ridiculous, but everytime some one talks in another language, i know they're talking about me. Or when someone refuses to share a secret, it has to be something involving me.
Paranoia.

Number four would be anxiety. I tend to worry alot. And i mean alot. Give me any situation where someone is missing, and my mind will come up with the most fantastical situation, and it usually involves death and injury. And then i start worrying about the person, till he or she shows up. Same thing applies to a situation. Even though i dont show it, worry is like a constant cloud hovering over my shoulder.

Depression and mood swings can both come under number five. Even though it may be a 'normal' part of growing up and all that shit, it still counts as a mental problem. I've been depressed for a long time now. Why? Who knows. I cant figure out the reason.
And even worse, i've been going from happy to sad to angry to anxious and so on and so forth over and over and over again! This isnt very odd, really, i used to experience it every now and then before, but unlike then, i'm actually showing these haywire emotions. I really must stop.

So anyway, thats just the tip of the ice berg. There really is plenty else wrong with me mentally.
So am i insane? Is there any difference between myself and the fellows locked inside padded rooms with strait jackets on?

Am i IN a padded room with a strait jacket on?
All it takes is a little bit of boredom, and self examination. When you start analysing yourself carefully, you may find things you wish you hadnt, and you might open doors better left locked and chained.

Everyone walks that fine line between sanity and insanity. All it takes is the slightest push. The smallest, most meaningless happening can transform us from sensible, intelligent human beings, to raving, mindless animals.

Even more scary is, if we ever are pushed over the line, will we realise it? Is there any coming back? Does a mad man know that he's mad?

The human psych is a deep, dark, terrible, fascinating thing. But dont explore too deeply. You'll lose your sanity.

On Dreams.

2007-11-20T18:19:00.000-08:00

Lately i've been having kick ass dreams, incredibily vivid and fast paced and randomly silly. So i figured maybe i'll keep a record of what i dreamt about. It wont be very detailed because i dont remember everything, but the bits and pieces i do, and the persons in the dream, i'll put it all down here.

The dream i can remember the most involved swords, trains, indian dudes, and my old school. Here's the layout of the area. You have a road, just like a lane, and it leads into a railway station through a gate in a high fence surrounding the station. The left of the road appeared to consist of a junk yard (not the smelly type, the type with tyres and scrap metal and shit. I cant remember what the other side was like.

So anyway, the road appears to stop as it meets the train track, whihc run perpendicular to the road, or parellel to the fence. It just stops there, i dont know how it leads the the platform. Now the platform in basically my old school. I'm too lazy to describe it, its to complex. Maybe you'll get a picture of it as the dream progresses.

The dream start off with me on the road, with an old indian friend of mine, V. There's a ramp shape made of all the scrap near the fence, and he's suggesting we use that to fly over the fence and rail way track, and unto the platform. I say no, because while he has one of those three wheeled buggies, and i'm on foot. He keeps insisting that i can make it, i just need to run fast, and i tell him he's insane. So anyway, he jumps (and it is a very spectacular one), and i use the gate.

The next part, i'm on the platform already. TK is there too, waiting for his train, which is supposedly one hour before the train i'm going to catch. We're waiting for the train, and then i decide to go inside the school/platform building. Before i went i told TK to tell me before he leaves (god knows where V went to). So i walk up the platform stairs, which are the stairs leading up the left side of my school. It leads straight into this room, a classroom, that normally would have chairs and tables and stuff, but instead, it had a bunch of guys sitting around a fire (fire on a wooden floor. Dont ask me how.)

Its not a very large fire, and they're sitting there talking quietly. Somehow i knew they were blacksmiths. And then one dude gets up, he looks alot like the head master of the school, and he leads me out from the room into the small school hall, and sitting there nicely looking completely natural, is this huge forge.

Then the dude tells me to make a sword. And i do. Cant remember how, all i remember is that it was really cool. So anyway, when i'm done i'm holding this blue sword. The blade itself wasnt blue, it just gave off this blue aura. It was shorter than a typical broadsword, heavier, and the blade was thicker and blunt.

So i decide to sharpen it. The head master dude takes me back to the room where the fire was, and instead of the fire there is now a whetstone, and the other men are gone. Then i start sharpening the sword, but no matter how i try, the sword doesnt get sharp. And then, leaning against the wall, i spot another broadsword. This one is longer and sleeker than the one i have, and has a red aura, with a very distinct red ruby in it. So i take that one, and keep both the swords.

Then i hear a train horn, and quickly run back onto the platform, just in time to see the train pull away, and TK gone. I dont know why (because TK and i arent exactly lovers or anything), but i decide to go after the train, and so i dash back into the school/platform, and head to the back. I go down the back stairs and reach the newer kindergarten room, where i'm ambushed by a bunch of midgets (maybe that recent episode of House M.D. caused it), whom i proceed to fight off with my two swords. Thats easily the best bit of the dream.

And from then on everything becomes a real blur. I vaguely recall defeating the midgets (i dont think i killed them though, cause there wasnt blood or anything), and running into the back field of the school, and finding the train there (bloody slow train, eh?). I'm pretty sure i jumped on the train, flashing my swords, and V made a second entrance somewhere along the line too, but thats about it.

Next thing i know, i'm starting a new day. But i woke up with this conviction that if i had lived back in the day, i'd have been a blacksmith. Funny conviction, but maybe i'll try making an old fashioned sword one day.

Vivid, complex. bizzare dreams. Stay tuned for tomorrow's one!

Screw Out.

On Trust

2007-11-19T19:14:00.000-08:00

Are you sure you should believe in everything you know?

My last post revolved around a group in facebook, full of religious debate. Alot of these debates involved 'facts' and 'figures', both for those questioning islam and those defending it. The problem arose when the two sides gave contradicting 'facts'. Who's facts are correct, and who's making them up?

Naturally, we cant trust the non-muslims, because most of them, if not all, would be rather unfamiliar with the religion.

But naturally, we cant trust the muslims either, because they're all bound to be biased towards their religion!

That would mean, we cant trust either!

And that brings up the following matter. These facts were posted up and generally accepted (who has enough time to do their own research on everything read online?), until the opposing side posted a contradicting 'fact'. Then both facts should logically be held void until one of them can be proven or disproven (which rarely happens). So how many other 'facts' online arent really facts, but just pieces of mis information no one contradicts? We read them, and since no one says otherwise, we believe them!

But we cant, really. Every 'fact' read on the internet could be false.

So dont believe the internet.

There are other cases of two things generally accepted as 'fact' contradicting each other.

For example, take global warming. You can find plenty of information, supported by graphs and measurements and extrapolations, saying that global warming is happening, and we're the cause of it. But then, in equal amounts, you can find other information, supported just as well by graphs and measurements and more extrapolation, stating that global warming is just a farce, the Earths tempertature fluctuates normally.

Who the hell is correct? Is global warming happening or not?

I dont know.

On a more local scale (so you non-malaysians reading probably wont know whats going on unless you google it), there was that recent Bersih rally. Mainstream media (like the New Strait Times) portrayed the rally as a flop, an annoyance to the residents of the area, and nothing more than a ploy by opposition leader to make trouble. This is naturally the governments view.

But more private sources of media, including those from people who actually attended the affair (like the blog of a collumnist i love following, http://www.rockybru.blogspot.com/ ), paint a different story.

Who to believe?

And what if its not just current media? Maybe even history isnt as 'factual' as we take it to be. Here in our malaysian studies, concerning World War II, the Japanese are portrayed as cruel and violent.

But what are they learning in Japan? Something completely different, i'm sure.

So maybe our entire past, which we take so completely for granted, is falsified and modified. How would we know? If we've been taught something from birth, we wouldnt question it. How do you know anything in our history actually happened? Anything at all? You dont. You didnt see anything. What you're doing here is trusting what other people say or write or claim to discover. But you havent seen any of this for yourself.

Might sound like a far fetched conspiracy theory. But think about it. Its truely possible.

So whom can you trust? The governments? Ha. No one trusts the governments. Scientists? For all we know, none of their 'research' and 'results' maybe true, Science has a way of proving itself wrong again and again. Our books? In trusting our books, we're trusting those who wrote them, and how can we do that? We dont even know them. Our friends and families and teachers? They would be just as mislead as we are.

Yes, i know i'm a freak, and i think too much. I have a tendency to examine every bit of information i find, and usually my first instinct is to disbelieve what i'm told. I'm the true skeptic.

But that doesnt mean i dont trust anyone. I just dont believe them. There's a difference there.

Even if you hide yourself from the world, you have no friends, you dont confide anything in anyone, you still trust. Alot. You trust that the fellow who built your house did it in such a way that it wont collapse on your head. You trust the guy who just drove by you not to swerve into your lane and kill you. You trust the nasi lemak lady not to sneak cyanide into your sambal.

So basically, just going about life, even in a minimal style, requires huge amounts of usually unintentional trust. Its necessary. You have to accept that in reality, your life is in the hands of thousands of strangers everyday. And you have to trust them not the screw you in the arse.

But the converse also applies. Remember, that every day, the lives of thousands of people are placed in your trust. So make sure you dont build a house shoddily, or you dont drive like a maniac, or you dont slip cyanide into someone's rice (though it does work better than arsenic).

I just wish everyone realised how much trust goes around in this world. It would make this place so much safer. Whats the solution? More people should be told about this concept. In other words, more people must read my blog. So advertise!

Also notice that the trusting bit at the end, really has very little to do with the believing bit at the start.

Its like a simpsons episode.

Screw Out.

On debates.

2007-11-19T18:10:00.000-08:00

I recently joined this facebook group, "F*ck Islam" (Now before i get hate comments, let me tell you that i also joined the group "F*ck Christianity", but that one is less a debate about that specific religion, and more about atheism). So anyway, despite the name, and some idiots who cant differentiate between simple letters and capital letters, the F*ck Islam group was terribly interesting. There were smart people questioning islam, and smart people answering, and all in all, some of the debates there were fascinating to read.

Most of the non-muslims saw the religion as backward and violent (and there were some good arguements for that.) What irritated me was the defense put up by most of the muslims (not all, mind you. Some were very sharp, and made points equally acceptable as those of the antagonists).

For one thing, they kept refering and quoting the quran. You cant draw on a book in the debate when the validity of the book is the very thing being disputed! The problem here arose from the two very different, unwavering stances taken up by the two parties. The attacking party saw the quran as just a book (reasonable view, in my opinion), while most of the muslims insisted that it was completely perfect and cannot (or should not?) be contradicted( a view which i disagree with).

Another thing i found frustrating was the shifting of blame done by most of the people defending their religion. When confronted with a story of some wrong doing supposedly 'encouraged' by islam (whether it was encouraged by islam or not remains to be seen), rather than defending the religion, replies like "Christians do it too!" kept being made (i challenged one girl to find a case in recent times where the vatican sentenced someone to die for apostasy, and i somehow doubt she'll manage). Whether this is true or not is besides the point. As they say, two wrongs dont make a right.

In this case they seem to make lots of bombs.

There is one more thing i HATE, and this isnt aimed at muslims, its aimed at everyone. People who are SURE they are correct. You cant be a hundred percent sure. That is called blind faith. And blind faith is nothing short of stupidity. You can be pretty sure, whether you're muslim or christian or hindu or pagan or atheist, but when you become completely sure, trouble starts. A tiny bit of doubt would you stop you from throwing your life away, or killing other people, or doing some other reckless thing. That voice in the back of your head saying, 'maybe you're wrong! If you do something stupid now and you're wrong, thats the end of you!' But if you're completely certain, you wouldnt hesistate in taking any sort of extreme action. After all, what could happen? You're completely sure you're correct!

That sort of attitude is arrogant beyond anything else you'll find on earth.

So basically, its good to doubt. And it's even better to question. Dont just follow your religion! Question it, examine it, go through every aspect. I'm sure god would rather you followed him freely, knowing what you were doing, rather than just blindly stumbling after him.

Back to the group in facebook, i realised one more thing as i shifted through the barrage of controversial topics. The whole debate, the whole argument, was completely useless. What did it change? No one was going to change their opinions. No one wants to lose the arguments. The muslims there were certain that they're the greatest people on earth, and for the world to progress all must be like them (which definitly isnt true), and the non muslims were certain that islam is a terrorist religion, full of agression and destruction and bad morals (which definitly isnt true either). No one will change their stance, for all the arguing in the world.

So there really is no point to arguing about it. Why do we argue about it anyway?

I really dont know. But i'm going to think about it, and you should too. If people stopped to think more often, to think about why they are arguing or slandering or bombing, maybe so many people wouldnt be dying right now.

Screw Out.

On Faith.

2007-11-17T07:59:00.000-08:00

I was in the novena today in church, and an interesting sentence stuck in my mind:

'When the son of God comes, will he find faith on earth?'

On Omniscience and Free Will

2007-11-13T07:29:00.000-08:00

Yes, this post is about god. Sue me.
Its not targeted at any religion, its just a short debate thats been going on in my head.

Omniscience VS Free Will
We all know that many religions hold god as omniscient. Which is fair enough, you believe what you want. But then those same people believe that we have free will. This, you ignorant bastards, is contradictory! Free will would mean that god DOESNT know whats gonna happen next!

Lets take an example. We have a guy, called John. Nice fellow. My physics teacher's name is John, but this is another John. He's also nice, but a bit overweight. And he's a whiz with computers, though his FIFA skills need some help.

SO anyway, back on track! Theres' this fellow called John, and he has just been confronted with a choice. A or B.

Scenario 1: God knows all.

Now if god knows all, then he knows which one John will chose. Right? So if he knows, that means that John's choice was written down in stone, foretold, pre-ordained, before he made it! Right? So lets say god KNOWS John will chose A. John HAS to chose A! He has no other choice, because its his destiny, you could say (dramatic, but the word captures the meaning just right.). So if John HAD to chose A, that means he had no real say in the matter. Because whatever happens, no matter what he does, he is GOING to chose A.

Now this means Johnny boy here has no free will. No choice in the matter!
I personally think this is a ridiculous scenario. Because this would mean that we're all SLAVES who have no choice in our lives (YOU can be a slave if you want to, there's no way some greater being determines my life). Also, if this god knows how we will live our lives, why let us live? He could just judge us and get it over with.

If you disagree, please leave a comment and point out where my logic failed. I shall destroy you in my next post.

Scenario 2: God does NOT know all!

Oh my. Blasphemy. Sacrilege. I insulted god! Oh yeah, attack me because of that and show the world how shallow you are!

Anyway. If John has free will, that means there are equal chances of him choosing A or B. Which is in itself the definition of free will! But this means the great and mighty god doesnt know what John will chose(because it's only decided the instant John chooses), and thus god is NOT all knowing and not almighty! Very powerful, maybe, but if you want to have free will, ladies and gentlemen, god CANNOT be omniscient.

There you go. I didnt come to my own conclusion, because thats my own, if you have any brains you'll come to your own conclusion. BUt i dont want to hear anymore idiots going around saying, God is almighty! But i CHOOSE to say that! Because if that sounds like you, well, you're an idiot.

And i hate idiots.

Screw out.

On the Aquarian.

2007-11-11T09:46:00.000-08:00

Here you go. This is me. Each paragraph is completely accurate to the point of shock.

http://mizian.com.ne.kr/englishwiz/library/names/zodiac/acquarius.htm

Try looking yourself up too!

On Islamic Cars.

2007-11-11T06:38:00.000-08:00

Today, I read the paper, hoping for some nice, sensible news. INSTEAD, do you know what i got?

"Proton to work on 'Islamic' car concept"

Good god.

According to this article, (NST, 11th November 2007, page 15) Malaysia, along with Iran and Turkey, plan to produce 'Islamic' cars for the global market.

What the hell is an Islamic car? According to the article, its a car with 'Islamic Features', such as a compass, kiblat reading, and compartments for keeping the Al-Quran and scarves.

Question: Whats the best way to reduce religious tension in a multi-racial, multi-religious country?

Answer: Why, make a car and give it a religion, of course!

This is absurd, and the concept of a car for one religion is asking for trouble.

Lets say this car performs well compared to other proton cars. Can a non-muslim purchase it? Would a non-muslim WANT to buy a car called 'Islamic'?

By the careless use of the word 'Islamic', Proton has just created a rift. And this is a time when inter-religious relationships are reaching a boiling point. People might argue that this is a small matter, but even small matters can have big effects.

This problem could be avoided by not calling the car an 'Islamic Car' but rather a muslim friendly vehicle, and maybe manufacturing the car in two slightly different models, one with all the features mentioned above, and one without. This is way better than making one car model, marketed as an 'Islamic Car'.

Whats the point of making an 'Islamic Car'? To help spread the religion? Please. Only muslims would buy the car. To make people better muslims? Thats bull. A muslim with an car isnt better than a muslim without it. To make modern automobiles 'Muslim Friendly'? Are modern vehicles unfriendly to them? A compass can be put in, and why do you want to store a Quran in a car? And scarves can be put anywhere. They're just bits of clothes.

No, i think its the commercial potential. So many muslims would JUMP at the chance to own an ISLAMIC car. Why not? Its something to be proud about! The size of the global market! MONEY!

Its shameful, really, the way people would take advantage of good religious people, just in the name of money. Any sort of commercialising or politiscing (is that a word) or any religion, is trully despicable. Thats called SELLING a religion. And whichever god you worship, or pretend to worship, he's not gonna like it.

Screw Out.

On a Musician.

2007-11-10T18:30:00.000-08:00

I love music. Its my escape, like alcohol or weed, whenever things start to overwhelm me, i just turn on my Linkin Park, or Three Days Grace, up full volume, close my eyes, and as the great Eminem said, i lose myself in the music.

It really does help. I'd have lost my mind by now if i didnt have my music.

So anyway, we (myself and kelvin) decided to start a band. This happened a while ago, with Monisha, but we've never actually met together and jammed or composed, so we're not officially a band yet (thats mainly due to one of the founding members rotting away in kelantan!). But we decided to prepare, in a casual way.

So i tried my hand at composing. I start, oh say, three months back? And the result hasnt been to bad. I've written five half songs, all of which arent really good (Nickelback is good.), but they're a start. Last night was a good night, i got up in the middle of my sleep and just ran to my guitar, trying to save the tune i had dreamt about. And i did, and enter song number 5!

Its called "Then You'll Know", and i think its my best one yet. I was very relieved when it hit me, i was worried i had hit something of a block.

Now i have my very own method! I wait for inspiration to hit me, casually humming tunes or strumming the guitar till something hits me. The key here is not to try too hard, it has to come naturally. And then i immediately record the original. Its not necessarily the best version, but if you dont save it then and there, you probably wont be able to emulate it later. And that is very frustrating.

Now usually when inspiration hits me, i'll write out part of the song only. The chorus and one verse only, maybe, sometimes just a tune alone. Then comes the hard work. I have to go through the song, make up lyrics to complete it, maybe a solo here and there, and review it over and over till it sounds right. I havent actually been able to put in such an effort yet, thats why i have so many half songs.

WEll, be glad you're reading this blog. You're witnessing the start of a great musical career, and if you leave a comment, maybe when i'm rich and famous, i'll lend you some money.

Or maybe not.

Screw Out.

Being an idiot.

2007-11-10T03:35:00.000-08:00

Well! That was a somewhat funny few days. Very up and down.

I just came into the realisation that nothing i do really matters, my opinions dont count, and my actions have no effect on the world, no matter how i try.

And that wasnt the nicest revelation i've had recently!

So anyway, its been a week of internal warring and conflict, confusion, frustration, depression, and loads of porn. And its no where near done.

The problem comes when i try to tell people what i feel. Most of the time they dont really care (why should they? As i said, it wasnt important.), sometimes they disagree with me (which often means i AM wrong and am in idiot), and all of the time, i end up getting irritated with them, and start fights.

But for what? I've some to the conclusion that its pretty useless, because no one is really going to understand me, i dont understand me! So for now i'm gonna stop telling people exactly what i think, and be more cautious.

I hope i can do that, because recently, my self control has been eroded. Maybe its the lack of contact with people?

One thing is for sure, right now, i'm no where near happy. Not even vaguely satisfied. And i dont know why.
One girl told me i shouldnt be complaining, because i have it all right now! I'm back home, with my mum, i have a job, no exams, nothing to break me from what should be a comfortable routine. Myabe she's right. But whether i have a right to complain or not, i'm still unhappy. She called me ungrateful and selfish, but maybe she's right. And that is why i have decided to stop complaining! NOw i shall just talk about sex and porn. Maybe superheroes too. I shall be the screw everyone thinks i am!

NOw when i think about it, all this seems so stupid. Life in general, is so useless! WHatever happens, what ever i say or do or think, there's no point! Whats the use of changing the world? It's gonna get burnt into a husk by the sun anyway! And its the same for everyone. Even you reading this blog. No matter how content you are with life, you must realise it'll be over in a flash, and that its utterly pointless. NO one cares about you, really, and you're just gonna be forgotten one day.

Loser.

Screw Out.

The End.

2007-11-08T01:06:00.001-08:00

I'm sick of religion.

God is dead.

On the Geneticist

2007-11-07T04:05:00.000-08:00

Well, boys and girls. Now for an account of what i've been doing at work.

I started in July, and have the official post of Research Assisstant. That means i do the grudge work in the labs. Normally that would've meant things like cleaning test tubes, but i was (am? I hate tenses) lucky. The place i work, the grudge work is what most other people (myself included) would consider cutting edge and sophisticated.

Most of the time i work with bacteria, and their DNA. So far i've cultured bacteria (on both plates and in liquid mediums), and extracted the bacterial DNA (for some reason, when ever i thought of 'DNA extraction', long thin needles came to mind. But its actually nothing like that!). But the MAIN thing i've been doing involves the already extracted DNA.

You see, there are certain parts of the bacteria's DNA whihc are completely unique to that bacteria alone. They can be amplified (as in, from the entire chain of DNA you make many copies of that one unique sequence) using a technique called PCR (polymerase chain reaction). And then the amplified gene (the one unique to that bacteria) can be tested for. This is very useful in identifying a bacterial species.

After running PCR, you can put the DNA sample into this gel, where you do sometnng like chromatography using electricity. Visible bands form on the gel, and from those bands you can tell what the species of the bacteria your playing around with.

So thats what i've been doing so far. Now i'm gonna learn a new thing, to do with protein identification, its called the Western Blot. NOw when i figure out what any of this new stuff means, i'll post it up.

Screw Out.

An Idea?

2007-11-06T00:55:00.000-08:00

As usual, i'm sleepy again. I slept around 3:30 last night, like an idiot, busy talking to Kelvin and Druggie online.

But i'm not gonna fall asleep at work today! I have plenty of work! I have to run the gel for a sample of DNA i amplified yesterday (one of these days when i'm not so sleepy, i'll post exactly what i do at work.), and i have to learn a couple of new things, the western blot and OMPs (Outer-Membrane Proteins, both of which i cant elaborate on as i really am lacking in detailed information).

Anyway, the reason i was up so late was because my good friend Kelvin and i were having a dicussion on rising religious fundamentalism. Its really quite scary, people all over are getting beheaded and forcibly converted and all other nonsense like that. I'd post up my opinions on these inter-religious matters, but i'm too new to blogging, and i dont think writing out all my rather controversial thoughts would be a good idea.

I'd get beheaded.

But i cant just sit on my head and do nothing, can i? Doing nothing tends to frustrate me. So i racked my brains for possible ideas. They're actually quite limited. All those people telling you that ONE PERSON can make a difference in the world, yeah, they're a whole load of idiots. If you look at the world, you'll realise it doesnt give jack shit what you do.

One more osbstacle i had to overcome was my lack of a goal. I'm not against any religion, so slander is pointless. And i'm not trying to convert anyone either (let me try and work on the kinks in my faith, first), so propaganda wouldnt quite work either.

One of the ideas that crossed my mind was to open another blog. Here i'd post up every single bit of news regarding religious interactions, the good and bad, i can find. If i do start such a blog, it wouldnt have any reason other than to keep people informed. Of course i dont have magnificent resources, google will have to be good enough.

Another idea would be to build up an army of mutant zombies and take over the world, establishing my rule over all man. That way, i can destroy extremism!

But maybe i'm not quite ready for that sort of action. YET.

So maybe i'll start up a blog like that. I'd say i'm driven by a need to change the world (though i probably just want power), but my real motivation is fear. Its scary when not even young girls are safe from the senseless, ignorant violence carried out in the name of God.

So perhaps i'll start this blog, and try to help spread the word. Who knows, i might even manage to save a life or two. Its worth the shot.

I'll keep you updated.Screw Out.

On Battling the Church

2007-11-05T00:22:00.000-08:00

I am sleepy.No matter what i do, what time i sleep, what i do before i sleep, what i dream about, who i hump, i am sleepy. Its become my constant state, whatever i do, i'm sleepy. Oh well.

Yesterday was a somewhat interesting day, i went to church (there's a whole story on that coming up!), then i came back home and became totally emo, spilling my life story out to miss Ashvini. I think this solitary confinement equivalent i'm going through is making me a real softie!

The Church. Like any good devout catholic guy, i go to church every sunday. Yesterday, i went to church, and guess what happened!

Absolute jack shit.

Nothing happens in church for me anymore. Its completely unmoving these days. I remember going to church and being so touched, being compelled to become better, all that stuff. Now its just like a boring lecture i have to sit through, and i count each minute till the mass finished (i can go thump the church drum set.)

I reckon its because i've started having trouble believing in God. Is God real? Is he the catholic God, or some other god?

Or could religion perhaps be mankinds greatest invention?

Kelvin has this theory that christianity in particular is based off greek mythology, to a certain extent. It has to do with Zeus becoming God(lightning bolt, anyone?), and Hades and Poseid0n melded together to become Satan (the ruler of the underworld plus the trident/pitchfork). He also said something about some greek king supposedly rising from the dead three days after he died (which he claims to be what Jesus' ressurection is based on), but i havent figured out which king, so i cant really say.

The concept of "God" itself might have been fabricated. What better way to control society? Earthly law, lets face it, has a rather fragile hold on the people. The authorithies wont be able to catch you if you run fast enough. So how do you keep errant people in check? Tell them that there is a god! Tell them that everything they do, small or big, is recorded and archived, and when they die (which they will. Only i am immortal.), they will be judged. The concept of a judgement you cannot escape would probably terrify the people into order.

So perhaps, my religion is entirely fabricated! That is one immense thought. Perhaps not my religion alone, but the entire concept of God. The afterlife. Judgement. Salvation and damnation. WHat if its all fake? What if, when you die, you're dead! End of story? Only the thoughts you express in blogs carry on after you?

This topic, actually, has been the basis of numerous debates, most of them involving Kelvinder. I'm a bit of a devil's advocate, when someone is arguing for the existance of God, i argue against, and when some argues that God is purely conceptual (Kelvinder), i argue for his existance.

Yes, i know, i'm supposed to chose a side, but i cant, not yet.

Now here's an even scarier thought. What if God is REAL!? Can you imagine what that must be like? Someone up there knows everything about you. EVERYTHING. Each and every small thing you've done, your shame and mistakes, stuff you havent told anyone, and never intend to, He KNOWS.

I reckon if he does exist, he's not exactly omnipotent. He doesnt know whats gonna happen in the future (if the concept of time applies to him at all), because if he did, then he could just judge us as soon as we're born and be done with it. Nay, i'd say it is more likely that he knows every single possibilty. Of course, there are an infinite number of ways the future could turn out, each influenced by the decisions of billions of individuals. Its actually impossible for us to fathom the amount of possibilities, let alone the outcomes themselves, but hey, He's God, i'm sure thats well within his capailities.

There isnt any evidence proving God exists (but hey. There's no evidence to say he doesnt exist either!) . Those days God might have been used to fill in gaps in science, but modern science doesnt need it anymore. Back then, people would've wondered where animals came from. God? Now we say evolution. They would've wondered how this planet came to be. God? Now we say dust thrown up from the birth of a star.

The only thing i reckon science wont be able to explain is the Big Bang. First there was nothing, and then there was lots of things. God, perhaps?

Kelvin (him again, i know!) says that people believe in God because its easier than disbelieving, its makes them feel safe and secure and gives life purpose. But i disagree! For me personally, i'd find it easier to take life at face value, to do as i please, and to not worry about death because that'll be the end and then i'd have nada to worry about. But believing in God, believing that i'm not in full control of my life, and that when i die i'm gonna be judged for my sins (oh and there are many! In my previous blog i even complimented Arsenal!), thats hard.

So anyway. Right now, i think its not that important what you believe in. To me, whats important is that its a thinking belief. Its important that before a person commits himself to an opinion that he examines it carefully in his head (as i'm doing currently, i'll let you know what i've decided). You can decide that God doesnt exist(because there is no evidence), or you can decide that He does (because the meaning of Faith is believing without the need for proof). But whatever you chose, as long as you've thought about it long and hard and true, you cant really go wrong.

But i bet God is having one big laugh over this whole topic. Even though we say we arent sure, or we dont believe in him, we spend so much time thinking about him, i'm sure thats akin to praying. =D

So anyway, new DNA samples came into the lab today, so i have to run off and do my PCR. I'm actually feeling somewhat lazy (because i'm sleepy), but the sooner i finish, the better.

So for now, Screw Out.

Number One

2007-11-04T00:27:00.000-07:00

Well! My first blog post. I feel so very proud.
So let us record this exact moment. It is 12.17 pm, Sunday, the 4th of November 2007. I'm at work currently, but due to the lack of DNA samples, i've got zilch to do. Thus this blog has been created, to hopefully help abate this boredom, and give me an outlet to express myself.

Ofcourse, i still say 'blogging' is a fancy way of saying 'talking to yourself'. Anyway, this blog was really the brain child of one miss Ashvini(of The Coconut Chronicles), someone i met online only yesterday. Kelvinder introduced me to her, and she said she was blogging, and suggested i try it. And despite me saying that i was too lazy, and i'll probably get arrested by various govermnents for it, she convinced me (flattery always works).

So that means, all thanks and complaints to her please.

Yesterday, Manchester United played Arsenal in the Emirates. Both teams have been playing quite fantastically. I'm ofcourse a United supporter (i'm intelligent), and their latest run of results were very pleasing. How often does a team score four goals, four times in a row? No that often. But arsenal have been playing well too, the quick one touch passing, running off the ball play i love watching. I still think they're a bunch of moaning pansies and their manager isnt anywhere near Sir Fergie, but i must admit, i was rather skeptical about Uniteds chances of winning against them, especially after Liverpool just got away with a draw (i know its arsenal who were trailing, but really, Liverpool was on the backfoot the whole time).

So anyway, i was most delighted when United grabbed the first goal from under Arsenal's nose just before half time, and not in the least surprised when Arsenal equalised later. The match definitly was a great one, both teams playing like the top two teams in England (whihc they are), and when Evra made that astounding run to lay off Ronaldo, i jumped and whooped, spilling all my nice cheese flavoured twisties. From then on, i reckon united had the upper hand. A few scattered chances, with niether team really able to penetrate the other's penalty area much (Ferdinand rocks!), and Arsenal didnt really seem as threatening as they usually are.

BUT then.
Stoppage time. I was literally chewing my nails off, eyes glued to the screen. And then the worse possible possibility happened. A scrambled goal, given by the linesman (oh why, oh why, could he have no blinked?), and Arsenal salvaged a point. 2-2. Bastards.
I'll agree its a fair result though, and the title race is still wide open. But if arsenal JUST managed to wrangle out a point from United at the Emirates, i wish them all the best for their travels to Old Trafford.

One more interesting thing. Whihc team, at the end of the game, seemed more happy with the draw? Arsenal. That speaks for itself.

So anyway. I woke up today quite depressed. We were so close to grabbing a win. And taking a big leap towards retaining the title! And then all the dreams vanished, in a puff of linesman's flag. The amount of emotion we males invest in sport! Its more than most people invest in marriage! But hey, watching Evra dash into the Arsenal penalty area was certainly worth the investment.This is going to be the most interesting season yet.

So there you have it. My first blog. I wrote more than i expected i would, whihc is good, it means i'll probably write again sometime, when an interesting thought or two hit me.

So till then, Screw Out