Sorry for the long lay off, i've been really busy and way too lazy to blog. Anyway, since that dreams post, my dreams have become complex and vague, and i can never remember what exactly happened in them. All i remember is that i had a dream, and occasionally as
i'm going to my daily routine
i'll recall a person or a detail randomly, sometimes i just get a sense of
deja vu.
So basically, the dream thing has been scrapped.
Dont cry, i know you were
dying to hear about my dreams, but you'll survive.
Work has been hell. And no matter how much i sleep
i'm tired. I've been having mood swings, which is odd for me because
i'm typically detached.
Oh, and
i'm insane. Really.
I have a handful of mental disorders. I started thinking about insanity when one day, while i was doing my rather tedious work, the phrase "Great!
Thats awesome!" just popped into my head. I
wasnt thinking of anything, my mind was completely blank, and those words just came. I
dont know whats great and why it is so, those words just appeared.
That is obviously something akin to schizophrenia. I'm hearing voices, for crying out loud! Mental disorder number 1. But the voices also tell me that i have other problems.
Mental disorder 2: I've always been a tad obsessive compulsive. I know, i know, most of the people who know me will laugh at this one. Usually i'm the lazy laid back slob. But did you know, when i was a kid, i used to spend ages arranging my colour pencils so that the tips were exactly on the same level? Or that when i take ice from the ice maker in those styrofoam boxes, the ice
must be perfectly even on the surface?
Then of course, there's number three. I'm paranoid. Completely. I dont trust anyone, because i know, deep down inside, you are ALL out to get me. Every one is plotting some thing behind my back. IN fact, everything is this world is probably one big trick, one conspiracy, against me.
Might sound ridiculous, but everytime some one talks in another language, i
know they're talking about me. Or when someone refuses to share a secret, it has to be something involving me.
Paranoia.
Number four would be anxiety. I tend to worry alot. And i mean alot. Give me any situation where someone is missing, and my mind will come up with the most fantastical situation, and it usually involves death and injury. And then i start worrying about the person, till he or she shows up. Same thing applies to a situation. Even though i dont show it, worry is like a constant cloud hovering over my shoulder.
Depression and mood swings can both come under number five. Even though it may be a 'normal' part of growing up and all that shit, it still counts as a mental problem. I've been depressed for a long time now. Why? Who knows. I cant figure out the reason.
And even worse, i've been going from happy to sad to angry to anxious and so on and so forth over and over and over again! This isnt very odd, really, i used to experience it every now and then before, but unlike then, i'm actually showing these haywire emotions. I really must stop.
So anyway, thats just the tip of the ice berg. There really is plenty else wrong with me mentally.
So am i insane? Is there any difference between myself and the fellows locked inside padded rooms with strait jackets on?
Am i
IN a padded room with a strait jacket on?
All it takes is a little bit of boredom, and self examination. When you start analysing yourself carefully, you may find things you wish you hadnt, and you might open doors better left locked and chained.
Everyone walks that fine line between sanity and insanity. All it takes is the slightest push. The smallest, most meaningless happening can transform us from sensible, intelligent human beings, to raving, mindless animals.
Even more scary is, if we ever are pushed over the line, will we realise it? Is there any coming back? Does a mad man know that he's mad?
The human psych is a deep, dark, terrible, fascinating thing. But dont explore too deeply. You'll lose your sanity.
