United won today too! Given, it was against a newly promoted team, but a win is a win! And i saw in them flashes of the old united, the pre-ronaldo united, the flash counter attacks, the perfect through balls, beautiful play down the flanks, all the stuff i love about them. And fittingly, Rooney, the man i think encapsulates all that is united, the fire, and raw talent, the effort, scored the winning goal.
And this just in, a breaking news story: To make the day even better, Liverpool have just gone a goal down to tottenham.
Crouch looks really happy. =D
I'm utterly depressed.
Seriously.
I'm about to do something really rare. Blog about something i FEEL. Usually i try to avoid that stuff, chronicaling what happens in my life isnt really the reason i blog, i'd much rather use it to preserve my ideas and thoughts, but sometimes it can be a useful outlet, when i'm up late feeling miserable, with no one to talk to.
This is one of those times!
Anyway, it all started with a dream. It was a really strange dream, felt really long, and was very bizzare. It started innocently enough, myself and a group of uni friends were going down to where the clinical school is, to look for a place to say. I remember, it was the usual dreamy abstract sort of landscape, i remember driving down a highway to this building that is essentially impossible to describe. Basically it was right next to the hospital, and in the dream consisted of a long open corridor in the front, with rooms like little villas ajoining it.
There were lots of cats at first, which i just remember. =D
Anyway, so we liked the place, and i think we moved in. Before that, there was this big problem with snakes, these funny red colour snakes were all over the place, making it impossible to get the hospital... I think i was freaking out in the dream, i cant quite remember.
Then the fun started. Somehow i was teleported into these villa things, which as i mentioned before, were all connect by that long corridor. It was night, i remember it being very dark, and there was a party going on, all sorts of random people from various places in my life. I was wearing an eye patch; maybe it was a fancy dress party or something.
Anyway, i get back to my room. And there she is. She's the girl i ran after during college, for like, a year, somewhat unsuccessfully. And she gives me this look, i've never got from her before. And we kiss.
Yadda yadda yadda, more dream more dream more dream, eventually i wake up, but with that bit just ringing in my mind. Complete clarity, i can remember every little detail, better yet, i can FEEL every little detail.
I woke up more shaken than i have been for a while.
Its so strange. I havent thought about this girl for so long! And i definitly dont have feelings for her still. Its definitly not that. But i'm still not over her! Its like there's unfinished business there.
Ok, first some background. This is the abridged story, from my point of view, ofcourse. I had an amazingly huge crush on her when i first met her, and so chased after her, sadly unsuccessfully. Now i dont think its the rejection that i'm unhappy about? She wasnt the first girl to turn me down, and i've definitly spent more time pursueing come others than her... It was more the manner of my dismissal.
Firstly, she never said flat out, 'boy, i dont like you, so leave me alone.' It was always things like studying, or family, or whatever. Secondly, i never really asked for alot. Never asked her to confess her love to me, or marry me. All i wanted was a date, some time with her alone.
I didnt get any of that, and its fine, really. Its well within her rights to refuse me. But i guess i expected more honesty from her... We were at one point really close, she knew alot about me, and i thought i knew alot about her, but i guess she always thought i was a bit of an immature person.
She's not the first person to think so, ofcourse. I even get a perverse sort of pleasure, cultivating that image among people i'm not so close to, the people i dont really care about. I'm sure the majority of the people you ask will say i'm crazy; have my priorities all wrong; have really unconventional ideas, bordering on the silly and far fetched. And thats perfectly fine, because thats exactly how i present myself at first glance.
But there are a few people that know me better than most. And while i cant say for sure what they actually think, i'm pretty confident they dont all share the general opinion of me. And herein lies the reason i was really disappointed, and a bit angry too. The way she treated me, all those years ago... She was nice and all, definitly, but i always got the feeling from her that she didnt think very highly of me. Infact quite the contrary, she seemed to almost dislike me. Things i heard her saying to other people, the way she spoke to me sometimes, it was almost condescending, and i hated it, most of all because i thought she knew me.
And i always felt comparisons. If you know me you'll know that i'm really quite confident, bordering on arrogant, but with her i always felt insufficient, like i was being contrasted with all the other guys around. In my defense, i was 15, and i knew it, so i never really felt insecure or anything (if anything, it just fed my ego =D ), but it wasnt a pleasant thought, creeping around at the back of my mind, that this person, my closest confidante at one point, thought me inadequate.
I think she has a boyfriend now, actually. I was so taken aback when she told me... So soon after all those excuses she gave me, family, studies, no time, whatever.... Plus I dont know anything about the fellow, when they got together, how they met, how long they've been together... So much for being close friends!
I guess that hurt. This all happened ages ago, more than a year has passed, but i dont think i ever fully got over it. Not her, mind you. I dont really know her anymore, and any romantic interest i had died with all this nonsense. But i felt betrayed, really, and while i never really got over it, i moved on, and pretty much forgot all about.
Until i had that stupid dream.
The reason, i think, it hit such a chord with me, that dream, was because of the way she looked at me in it. I know it was just a figment of my imagination, but there was none of disdain in her face, none of the patronizing i felt i got, nothing. It was like the girl in my dreams actually knew me.
It was nice. =D
Anyway, after this long rant, i should really point out that the majority of my relationship with this girl happened in my head, so the poor girl probably isnt really aware of anything of the rubbish i'm talking about. And she didnt really do anything wrong, per say, except not know me quite as well as i thought she did. Also i dont know for a fact that she actually thought so lowly of me, these are just the feelings i got/get from her when we spoke, so there is the possibility that i'm completely mistaken and she in fact was madly in love with me. =D
I should also mention that, i'm actually quite happy right now. I'm in probably the most satisfying relationship i've ever been in, with someone who actually understands me, and someone i trust with practically everything. In fact i have to tell her about this tomorrow, when i see her. =D I just never really went over all these little little feelings, the 'baggage', if you will, from my previous experience, properly, which is probably why it randomly decided to surface now.
Oh well!
So thats why i am depressed. Or was depressed, rather. At the beginning of the post i was really quite angry, at all these percieved wrongs, but now i'm just a bit worn out. It was such a long time ago, too... I dont know the woman anymore, we've probably both changed so much we're practically strangers. I guess this post is about 2 years over due, brought up again by a random dream.
People are so different too... I was going through a colleagues blog, he's a bit like me, in posting habits, he doesnt post that much, but its all about his opinions and what not... And actually, posting styles is where the simillarities end. We couldnt be anymore different. I'm a completely liberal person, he's very conservative; we have completely different priorities, methods of studying, opinions, judgements... Its interesting, even though i disagree with him on practically everything, he's not a stupid person; i think he's a genuinely thinking person, which is what really matters, whatever the conclusions are.
Yes, that was completely un related to to my depression, so sue me.
Anyway, i kinda hope that girl doesnt read this blog, she'll probably be incredibly offended by what i've said, and in truth, she is a nice girl. Quite pretty too. =D
But i guess i'm not too depressed anymore!
Liverpool lost. =D
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